Brave Enough to Burn

I detest silence.

Not the silence of the outdoors, mind. Nature has a music all its own, a different movement unique to a time and place. It is not Silence, void of warmth and heat. No, what I can't stand is the absence of background, of music, of melody and rhythm.

Admittedly, we are never in true silence; there is always something, but often that something is noise, a discordant cacophony of random input, not even white noise. It is why if I shop at Target, I shop quickly and with purpose, for example. They don't play music, so there is no underlying melody to drown out or unite the assorted mishmash of sounds from shoppers and cashiers. It unsettles me.

I have had music in my life from an early age. The first song I clearly remember singing along with? Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys. I was six, and we had it on reel-to-reel. It seemed there was always music playing in the house, usually the radio, or a favorite artist of my mother's. We had vinyl, 8-tracks, cassettes, the aforementioned reel-to-reel, and later CDs, of course. But there was always something. Music played as I got ready for school, while my mother made dinner, whenever the TV wasn't on.

I started playing piano in fifth grade, a truly random decision made on a whim. I enjoyed it, but dropped it for band the next year; we could only afford one or the other if I wanted to continue art classes, and many of my friends were in band. Plus, band replaced the dreaded PE, where I was always the subject of ridicule. My familiarity with the piano prompted the director to place me on xylophone. I wanted to play drums, but 1) there were already too many drummers in beginner band, and 2) my mother was highly opposed to the idea. This didn't stop me from learning, however, and I was often called out for having better rhythm than the boys drumming. I loved percussion, and stayed with band through high school, though I was never a "proper" drummer. I remained a bells and xylophone player to the end, though I became very adept at juggling a lot of secondary instruments, especially in orchestral band. In middle school, I fell in love with metal, largely because of the driving percussion and how it was juxtaposed with melody and lyric. From there, industrial and darkwave captivated me as well, for a similar reason; the relentless backbeat of the percussive line, regardless of how it was produced, could send me into myself in a way that meditation could not.

Now to what prompted the post

I've not ever been without music, and there are very few genres in which I can't claim to like at least a song or two. But I somehow... lost it. Oh, there have been artists that grabbed me, music that caught my attention for a short while, but I enjoyed it and moved on. I seldom allowed myself the true bliss of sinking into the music anymore, lost the desire to search out the new. It became nothing more than background noise, silence that wasn't silence, a little death of spirit so subtle I didn't even realize it.

I've been rediscovering music again over the past year and a half, thanks to a couple of dear friends. Specifically, I've rediscovered metal, fallen in love again with the genre and fascinated by it's evolution since the days of my youth. Some bands I've was loosely familiar with before (Nightwish, Leaves's Eyes) but others were unknown, now welcome additions to my music library. One album in particular demanded my attention, speaking to me deeply: Kamelot's latest Silverthorn. (Mind, I like their older music as well, especially Ghost Opera. But Silverthorn clinched it, and that likely has to do with their new singer as much as anything.) It has roughly 300 plays on my iTunes, as I often leave it on loop while I sleep. It captured me enough that once I was shown a video of the group performing live, I decided I really wanted to see them in concert.

I've always talked myself out of going to concerts, no matter how much I want to see a group. The last "big" concert I attended was Rush, on their Counterparts tour; that album was also one of the last albums to grab me as strongly as Silverthorn has. The crowds trigger my social anxiety issues badly, and I usually require a seat. Just the idea of standing room was enough to send me into panic. But I greatly enjoy live music, and missed the experience. This time, I had someone to go to this concert with, someone who intimately understands my issues with crowds (which meant he could hopefully talk me down if I freaked out), and was also a big fan of the group. I was determined that I would not miss this event, that I would make it through to the end of the concert without bolting- even if it was standing room only.

I expected to enjoy it, to have an amazing time. I didn't expect a bit of spiritual epiphany.

It hit me during the drummer's solo spotlight. We were only a few rows back from the stage. The acoustics of the space caused the music to surround me, and the wooden floor vibrated to the beat, sending it through my body. Combined it made me feel as if I truly was one with the drums, with the music, and the feeling continued through the rest of the show. I can't remember the last time I truly let go and felt music, not like that, let my guard down and just rode the pulse of it.

I hadn't realized how much I missed experiencing music like that- or how much I needed to do so. I'm already planning more such concerts.

There were people at the concert who spent the whole time with their phones in the air, trying to record it. I feel sorry for them. Sure, they have a nice little personal record of the event; however, how much of their experience did they sacrifice to get that record? How much more could they have felt, how much more memory would they have made if they had put the phone down and just listened, banged their head, clapped their hands, screamed themselves hoarse (as I did) when prompted?

Music isn't background noise to me. Music is vital. I need it in my life as much as I need air. How did I forget it's importance? Thank you so much, my friends, for helping me remember this.

Today was a pretty good- albeit mega-high on the pain scale- day. Still, I find myself inexplicably melancholy.

I have the oddest feeling that I'm missing something. Missed something. Uneasy, distracted. There's been an obvious change, a shift, and while I can identify the results, I can't identify the cause. It makes me wonder if I erred in some manner, made a misstep. I always look at myself first for such things.

Walls where there were none.

I find myself murmuring that walls were made to be torn down.

I went digging through my storage unit this morning, looking for items to toss on ebay. Botcon is the end of the month, and too many Major Issues in a row plus the Diamond thing mean I have not nearly enough saved towards it. I'll admit, I went into the year expecting that I'd also have a work bonus to put toward it and yeah, well. No dice. I'm at that point where I am seriously questioning by ability in regards to my job, but that isn't what I'm in the mood to write about right now.

I will say I am thinking about skipping Botcon next year, just because it seems that every year, Things Happen that make it more of a financial stress for me than an enjoyment.

Anyway- to my point.

I have a lot of stuff. When I moved last year, I was able to downsize to a storage unit half the size of the one I had, that is I went from a 10x10 to a 5x10. My apartment is stuffed to the gills (and still full of boxes, BTW), but I did manage that. Really, given that the unit goes up eight dollars every year, I need to seriously see if I can figure out getting out completely by this time next year. So it isn't just Botcon that prompted me to go digging through it.

Half of my unit is taken up by very large totes full of action figures. I believe there are between fifteen and twenty totes. Admittedly, these are almost all figures that are still in their boxes, and some of those boxes are very large. That's still a lot of figures. Also in the unit are mu holiday decorations and several expensive statues, as well as all my movie posters and such. In short, it's a bunch of random shines that once made me happy. I discovered today that most of them do still make me happy, even though I manged to cull about a tote and a half out of the unit to send away.

The problem comes down to this: I value these things enough that I have paid quite a bit of money to keep them in storage for nearly four years. Not that I ever intended to keep them in storage this long, of course.

Why do I keep these things? Stubbornness, I think. Also, my OCD problems. There are two totes full of Monsieur Bome figures. There are about three totes of Transformers, maybe four. There are three totes of McFarlene Dragons, and I'm still debating on them. The reason I still have them is that those would sell for so little as to be not worth my trouble, and I do like the sculpts on them quite a bit. Then there are the random imports, the amazing Lovecraft figures, my old school Ghost Rider Collection... so many things that made or make me smile. Really, it took me longer than it should to go through the unit because I kept pulling things out and grinning and gleeing over my stash. Of course, I packed it all up again and walked away, leaving it in boxes in the dark.

So why keep them for "later?" I get no real pleasure from these items when they are packed away. I've paid close to five grand over the past few years to keep my things in a safe, climate controlled storage. For what? So that one day, when I have a "real" home I can have those things out and look at them. Except that the things I have brought out of storage are still sitting in boxes or shoved to the side, because I don't take the time to live in my space rather than exist in it.

All of the above just to say I really need to reconsider the priority I give to stuff in my life. Knowing and doing are two different things, and I'm aware enough to know that a lot of the issue is the security I get from Stuff. Belongings have always been more constant in my life than People and ultimately have given me more pleasure and less pain. And I am an obsessive-compulsive who focuses her compulsions through collecting things. This is why I have three years of unread comic books in boxes, among other things, because I couldn't make myself stop buying even though I was no longer reading. I'm better about those things than I was, but it's still an issue.

I have a job interview Monday. Please to be crossing fingers and toes for me.

Gah. Nervous. Haven't actually interviewed for a job in almost ten years.

I have had 3/4's of a bottle of a nice late harvest Riesling that my lovely and talented boss gave me. I am very much under the alchohence of flucohol. I have also enjoed with this wine some lovely cheese and olives.

Life, it does not suck so much as it could, right now.

More or less, anyway.

I am moved into uglygrandmother's house, my storage unit is full to capacity, and my ebay stuff is safely ensconced at slackeremeritus's house. There is a very small amount of random items left in the house, which I will be getting tomorrow. Things went more or less smoothly, as far as transitioning goes. I'm doing...better than I expected, mentally. I'll be glad when I have the last bits out. Every time I go back over there, it's like getting a punch in the gut. I admit, while I was mostly adjusted and accepting, there was still this stubborn little shred of hope or...something. I don't know. And it annoys me.

I really just want this to be done with. I've reached the point of being angry, I think, well and truly angry over it all. Because it was such a pile of bullshit.

Meh. Not going there at the moment.

The cats have all been moved and integrated into the household. Pepper is still a bit spooky about coming into the front of the house; he only does so when Mike and Trudy are asleep. Goyle thinks he owns the place, and Yin is very "Whatever, dude." He is Buddha, watch him nap.

While Trudy's cats aren't particularly happy with things, there have been no rolling furballs as of yet. Some hissing, chasing, cornering, and growling, but no furballs. Shadow is giving ground, and Hermes is just pissed. Midnight, the unfixed female, is happier than a pig in slop. She now has five boys to swish her tail at, instead of two. Of course, all the boys are fixed, so they can't really help her out much.

She has decided she wants my Yin. Not surprising, as he is the largest of the cats in the house now- stronger genetic material and all that. But Yin really has no clue. He isn't an alpha mentality, so he doesn't want to fight Hermes or Shadow for their spot. Yin hasn't ever known an unfixed female. He doesn't know what to do or why this tiny black cat keeps twisting about and shoving her butt in his face. He literally yawned in her face tonight. It is most amusing.

I have come to the realization that I have a lot of shit. My Master's degree in Space/Time Manipulation is being put to very good use at the moment. While I have not been able to make as swift a progress in unpacking as I would like, it's coming along. My futon will be here in about two more weeks, and by then, all the boxes should be emptied and things will at least be on shelves. Not organized, but on shelves. By end of May, I should be well and truly organized. I'm rather proud of my arranging skills, truth be told. Once the futon's here, I won't have a lot of actual floor space, but I will still have a room that does not feel horrible cramped, or that looks like an explosion has hit it. And if I want to be able to actually use the space, I'll have to keep it that way.

Cooked dinner tonight, and everyone seemed happy. Cleaned up before and after, which made Trudy happy, and then took out the trash, which made Mike happy. I can't possibly express how grateful I am to them both for giving me a place to stay. I just hope I can avoid being too much of a bother. My intention is to cook dinner once a week, at least. I enjoy it, and I know it will take some of the stress off Trudy.

So, yes, I am here, safe and sound in Millington. I'll be starting back up my regular list posts tomorrow, for those who've been missing them.

It has been a particularly trying year, on several levels. The divorce, which is still pending; the closing of a more than just a business; the coming to grips with my inner demons and accepting that it's ok to accept help on that front; and finaces- mustn't forget the financial mess- it's all been one big mess. I've muddled through, better even than I thought I would. And now the year is almost over. Just a little over an hour left, looks like. I can't wait.

It's not that I expect some little fairy to come down and magically make things better for me at midnight. Far from it. But it does allow me to have a "fresh start" as it were. I'm on my way to that already. Currently, I don't have to move, but I have a place to go to when I do. I'm really starting to look long and hard at my Stuff and what I am going to keep. I'm recognizing that I channeled a lot of my depression and whatnot into buying Stuff for the momentary happy buzz. Yes, I want to keep most all of it; however, I don't need any of it. It's time to be a bit more realistic.

Health-wise, I've been doing ok. December has not been a good month for me, as far as my eating. I've been running ninety to nothing, and eating very, very poorly. The issues with my teeth haven't helped. So I've gained back about five pounds. It's annoying, but not heartbreaking like it might have been at one point. I'll get back into the swing of things next week.

I...dislike the idea of making resolutions. Possibly, because for so many years there was only one resolution, and that was to get skinny. And that never worked, because diets don't work. however, there are a few things I'd like be more conscious of in the coming weeks.

Money: Where it comes from and where it's going. I admit to having a bit of an impulse control problem. If I make myself sit down and actually plan out my funds and spending, I do much better. I want to pay my outstanding debts off, and if I really put my mind to it, I think I can do almost all of it in one year, student loans not withstanding. Maybe even without changing jobs. If I can just pick up a second PT job, and dump as much as I can on ebay, I'll manage ok.

Food: What I eat, when I eat, how I eat, and where the food comes from. I've become very, very interested in nutrition lately. I'm not a shining paragon of healthy eating and never will be. That does not mean I can't pay better attention.

Magic: Studying more. Doing more. I've let that part of me languish for too long. I need to step up and stop hiding.

Art: Heh, see above. Seriously, I need to get back into doing art for art's sake, not just for swaps or money. Oh, I enjoy the swaps. And it feels really, really good to know I really can make things people want to purchase. But it's been...years really, since I've made a piece of art for me, something just because I can.

Exercise: I am not, despite what some might think based on appearances, a lazy person. I actually enjoy exercise quite a bit. There's a lot I can't do because of the issues with my joints. Anything high impact does more damage than good. But I can still strength train. And bike. Eventually, I'd like to get a real bike again.

Stuff: Has already been covered.

Aside from the bills, there are a few purchases I'd like to make/things I'd like to save for. This includes:

Botcon. I have the time off approved. It remains to be seen if I will be able to afford the Primus package cost before they all sell out. But I'm not sure it matters that much to me, really. Ideally, I'd like to have between 1000-1500 to make the trip with. Since it's not till the end of May, that is doable, really.

I desperately need a new camera. My ancient Kodack 1st gen digital is a hairs breath from croaking, and if I'm doing commissions, I really ought to be taking pics of them. I don't need anything fancy. Just something that can get good pics of the type of detailed work I do. I am open to suggestions as to make and model.

My laptop either needs to be repaired or replaced. I hope for the former, but suspect the latter. So long as the PC is working, I don't need the laptop, but I admit to being spoiled by the convenience of it. Should it need replacing, though, I think I will just save up for a higher end one.

That about does it for the obligatory New Year's Eve post. Take care and see you all next year!