Brave Enough to Burn

A friend has posed multiple questions to me of late that essentially amount to the same question, that being "How do I (we, you) know the gods and/or magic is real and I'm (we're, you're) not crazy? It is a hard question to answer, for such a question is distinctly personal and the answer is specific to each person. More accurately, how a person comes to his/her answer is often such a difficult and fretful journey that for one person to attempt to measure his/her own reasonings against another's is true folly. My answers to my friend's entreaties have, I am afraid, therefore been rather lacking in specifics or details, which know is frustrating, and not just for the querent. I am a creature of facts and proofs, one who bases her magic in science, not in faith, so to be unable to point to a formula to satisfy the question is more than a little troublesome.

I find it especially troublesome because so many people tend to chalk belief in magic, in god and/or goddess to that nebulous concept called Faith. I don't believe in Faith. I do not have Faith in gods, or magic, or deity/Deity. Rather I Know that god/desses exists, and I Know that magic exists for I have had their existences proven to my physical senses as much as to any other. I am, before all things, a critically thinking human being, a seeker, a questioner, and while I do not discount a person's Faith, I find the concept of blind faith and acceptance in anyone or anything to be abhorrent, an insult to the very breath of life from which we are formed. Once one stops questioning, stops challenging, one stops growing, and that is such a terrible, cruel loss to the Whole, a loss of Potential, and a loss of Life.

Let me return, however, to the question of real vs. imaginary, and not digress upon a discussion soley of my personal path. This question continues to press at me and demand of me a better answer than I have been able to give in either written or verbal form. I am unsure if I can ever fully satisfy the question for another, but herein are my attempts.

( I make neither promises nor apologies )

I've found myself recently discussing my path in depth again with a friend. Below are the results of one of those discussions, where I answer a few of his questions about exactly how I, as a Seer and a Weaver, view fate.

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I don’t actually believe in Fate.

To be more specific, I don’t believe in the classically accepted idea of Fate, the idea that a person’s path is laid out from birth or before, and that no matter what that person does, no matter what choices he makes, the drama of his life will be played out according to script. This does not mean that I don’t believe in some level of predestination; some choices carry such weight, have such far-reaching influence that the making of that choice sets one upon a path locked as surely as a knot in a thread. The only way out of such a situation is to take drastic steps, and few people are willing to hurt themselves as much as would be required.

I do believe in the concept of the Tapestry, in an inter-connected pattern wherein the lives of every living thing tangle together with purpose. No person exists independent of another. As we move through life, we leave our mark upon every person we touch. Beyond that, as I believe our souls all come from the same pool of soulstuff, it is impossible for any one soul to exist without possessing and affecting some aspect of another. If one is able to view the threads which twist and weave about and within another person, then it is possible to determine the influences upon said person. Determining the influences makes it possible to sort through the probabilities surrounding a situation and provide insight on the most likely outcome. This is what I do when I read for another person, regardless of how I do that reading. It is much like playing a game of connect-the-dots, where multiple finished pictures are possible.

The Tapestry is an ever-shifting, ever-changing, living thing. The pattern ebbs and flows like the tide. When a soul is born upon this earth, its thread is tied into the Tapestry, and yes, the expanse of that thread is stretched and fitted into the overall pattern. Major events and crossings might well be knotted into that thread, as well, and in some cases so is that thread’s final disposition, when, and even how it is to be terminated. Still, what happens between the tying and the cutting is mutable and very much in control of the person to whom that thread belongs. We may not be able to change our end, and we may not be able to fully control how other threads affect our own, but we still have free will. We have the power to determine what part of the overall Pattern our thread embellishes. If we allow other threads and their influence to weave that pattern for us, then we have done, in my opinion, the greatest insult to the Divine possible. We have squandered a Life, and there is no greater sin in my eyes.

After a very hectic few weeks and entirely too little sleep, I am off to Festival. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that my improvised-oh-shit-that-means-I-have-to-cook-feast-dinner-too menu goes over.

So, in our weekly coven meeting we are currently discussing the whys and wherefores of a Book of Shadows, and last night, I gave the whole crew a crash course in basic bookbinding. It went pretty well all and all. I managed to help reign in some folks tendencies toward OCD perfection while at the same time not allowing myself to freak out over my own OCD tendencies. I have to say I was horribly drained at the end of it though. Drained in a good, way, but drained.

However, during the course of the evening, the question was asked why, in this day and age of computers and digital information, would one even need or want a handwritten Book of Shadows. I was entirely too busy to even attempt to answer at the moment, but the basic consensus was that it just makes it that much more special and personal. However, I’ve been thinking on this for quite awhile, myself.
Most of my rituals and information is in digital form, bookmarked or saved. I also have a ton of printouts from various sources and from our book studies. My handwriting is absolute crap. It’s gotten so bad that at times I’m even stumped by some odd looking scribble. So why would I make and use my own BoS? The answer really didn’t come to me until I was making my own, and to explain it, I’m going to take you on a slightly winding path.

I can download digital books and read them on my computer screen. With today’s monitors, doing so is much less stressful on the eyes than it once was, you can fit hundreds of books on a very small “space”, and it takes little upkeep to keep your “books” in tip-top shape. Traditional written media takes up quite a bit of space, especially if you’re an avid reader, and books, despite what some think, are consumable material. The binding breaks, pages rip, tear, become brittle. Books go out of print and you can no longer replace a beloved volume. So why, then, do I continue to cling to my written media, continue to buy book upon book and devour them?

I am thirty-three. My generation grew up learning in an entirely different way from today’s. Yes, we were the start of the video game/computer wave which heralded the shift from written to visual media and thereby changed entirely the way people learn. You use different parts of the brain based on how you learn. Some schools now offer the option of getting your books on CD instead of as a book, because so many kids comprehend better when they read something off computer screen versus the printed page. A sad thing, in my opinion, but not a bad thing. It is an adjustment of the times, and I am all for anything that might result in better educated children. Time will tell if the Leapster generation really is going to be “smarter” or if the lack of written and auditory learning procedures will be a hindrance in their adulthood. I’m not touching upon the parenting and school issues here. Just discussing the way we learn.

I comprehend much better through written and auditory teaching techniques. I retain more. I am a tactile person. I enjoy the feel of a book in my hands much more than the click click of keys under my fingers. I love the sharp swish of paper pages being turned, the crack of a spine being opened for the first time. Books were my first love, and I will be forever grateful to my mother for tacking the time to teach me how to read. I was reading before kindergarten, and by first and second grade, was already well into the teen level. Books were wonderful, magical things, fantastic doorways to other worlds.

I also loved my computer and video games. Having a father who worked in developments and programming with Sony, I had access to a lot of technology well before most people. It was amazing, interactive, fascinating stuff. But it never replaced books for me.

So, why have a handwritten Book of Shadows? Why not keep everything digitally, in a form that won’t corrode, won’t become unreadable, isn’t susceptible to the ravages of the environment? Because digital media, computers are cold they have no soul, no life, no spirit which I can connect to. And please, before the technomancers get up and arms, yes, I am aware that there is an energy and life to electronic and digital forces. It simply doesn’t resonate with me.

I will keep a backup of my BoS on a flashdrive. I will reference it, most likely more than my handwritten one. But I still want, still need to write down my own Truth in my own Words, with my own Energy and Soul. Magic, spellwork, they don’t’ have to be fancy incantations, circle casting, candle burning, incense lighting affairs. There is magic in the creak of that spine, the feel of parchment, the scratch of a pen on paper. I weave a spell with words, written words, my words and my truths. It is the Spell of Me that I write in that book, the essence of my spirit and soul that I place in the weaving of that binding, the crease and folding of paper over bookboard. It is magic, real and tangible. I can hold it in my hand an know that magic is real, I am real, and no matter what may become of me, my words are there, woven into this world’s Book of Shadows.

Because that is what a Book of Shadows is. Your truths, your way in this world, and your truths are but a small, small part of the overall truth of the world and universe. That is why I make them. That is why I write.

As part of my own personal Samhaim ritual prep tomorrow, I will be taking a 24-hour hiatus from the technological world (or at least as much as I realistically can). This means that from Midnight CDT tonight to 11:59pm Friday night, I won't be on my computer. Will not even turn it on. I also will not have my cell phone on me; you can leave a message. I will not be turning on the TV. I will be doing dishes by hand, if I have any to wash. The only concessions will be using my gas stove, and possibly radio (not CD player) because I really do doubt my ability to exist in total silence for that long. I will go as long as I can without it, though. The only other exception will be running an errand that can't be rescheduled.

So have a Happy Halloween, my lovelies, and enjoy it however you'd like. Be safe.

Festival of Souls was actually quite nice. Better than the last time. Partially because I really knew more people this time. Partially because I had a refuge to which I could retreat. I really, really disliked being in a cabin last time. It may have been cold in the tent, we may have been a long walk from the nearest bathroom, but I could go there, sit on the screened "porch," and still be social without being in the thick of things. The problem with having such a mix of people and paths is- having such a mix of people and paths. There is always an air of chaos about, and it's most evident when in the lodge for meal times and such. By the time I was done with dinner on Sat evening, and had listed to s00j and company perform for a bit, I'd had my fill of people and energy for the evening.

I was bad and didn't attend but one seminar. The one I did attend was neat though. It was a mandala workshop, run by Lyon (who is nifty cool awesome). The vendor were rather nifty as well. Got a handmade besom from Willow, another of s00j's CD's, and some nice lip balm and hand creams. ravynfyre spoiled me mightily though, by buying me a gorgeous leather mask, a looped snake arm bracelet, one of Zaidia's (sp?) necklaces, and uglygrandmother's book. Oh, and Tiger Butter. Tiger Butter is love.

Just barely made it through the labyrinth before it winked out, and got to see Fire and Strings perform. Skipped out on main rit, because I was hurting all weekend pretty badly and consequently had been hitting meds pretty hard. My coven members are used to me when I'm doped up; the person standing next to me may not have been. Didn't want to disrupt anyone's balance and such.

What really got to me was that here are a bunch of "tree-huggin', nature-loving pagans" together in the woods- and several could not be buggered to respect the property and land. Trash and cigarette butts were left all over. This bothers me on a rather deep level. It didn't used to be that way. I think that we are not bringing up the younger generations properly and not enforcing proper behaviors as we should. I know it's impossible to really do that last; too many people, too much to do, things are crazy. But still, it rankled. So for next year, I am in charge of implementing a recycling program for Festival, and will also be placing butt depositories at every cabin.

I may also be doing kitchen with moonstone_fae's husband. >_> A lengthy discussion while waiting (and waiting) on Sat night feast has caused us both to want to step up and run that kitchen right. Be afraid, be very afraid.

All and all, a good weekend. Good people, good energy. I was hit in the head about a few things- more on that to come later. I still have to ponder out what I need to do.

This? This will be amazing.

I have only attended one Festival of Souls celebration with Summerland Grove. It was highly enjoyable and there is something quite intoxicating about being part of a circle that numbers a hundred or more. It just wasn't...me. I'm not big on crowds anyway, and my own practices...they do not trend toward the same vein. So attending again just hasn't been huge on the priority list.

But at the very least I will be there on Saturday Friday night. Mallorie was-no is- part of my family of choice, and through her I extended that family. Even now, she continues to influence my life in minute ways.

This memorial fire dance Fire & Strings will be doing will not be about mourning, but about celebration and honor. Because she does deserve such. No one is perfect; Mallorie had many faults and bore stigmas of her own choosing up until the end of her days. It is easy to be angry, to dwell on what should, could, or would. Anger can be cleansing. But anger left to simmer and ferment robs us of our life.

I have been through this cycle before. It is difficult to move on. But in the end, we choose to be stagnant and give up, or we choose to move past and grow.

So I'll be there. I'll walk the candle labyrinth and then watch the dancing flames as they pay homage to my all-too-human friend, to her triumphs and her stumbles, her smiles and her tears. I will be there. I will laugh and cry, and I will know that she is not lost.

Identify the souce of the quote in the subject line!!!!!!!!!!!!  EVERYONE on my friends list I feel should be able to do this!!!!! (even if I''m not sure I've directly quoted:)

Icy, sleety snowy....wouldn't be near so bad if people here knew how to drive in it.  Of course, I asked for it, now didn't I.......?

I feel good.  The store is in total chaos, things are moving at impossible speeds toward a destination I know not, but I feel good.  I had a very moving, very emotional private Yule rite last night, and slept well and sound for the first time in weeks.  I have come to grips w/ the fact that I can not move the mountain (no matter how much I want to), but I can build a path around it.

This was supposed to be a dream job, for me and for others.  A chance to shine.  A chance to create success from something I felt passionately about.  But dreams fade and lights die.  But I can't say that it was all for the worst.  Anything that promtes individual growth, no matter how painful, is always a good thing.

I've glimpsed the edges of what the Fates have in store for me and mine.  Not an easy time, but one that will ultimately lead to growth iin all areas for us both.  I just need to take that step- one big scary leap of faith.  But I also know that I can't take that step without tying up a few lose ends.  It is possible for me to go against my nature, but not quite that much.  After all, I'm a Weaver; I can't just leave dangling threads hanging around, now can I?

No more negativity; I may have to work in it, but I don't have to let it leech off me.  And I don't have to accept it.

 

 

Well, as those who've seen me recently can attest, I made it through the stomach bug without dying.  My tummy is still a bit picky about what I can put in it, as the marathon vomiting really damaged my insides (it's now been two weeks since the virus onset; Pray to ALL the gods that you don't get that virus!)

I am very glad that I let draconisferret convince me to attend FOS this year.  I've had people invite me before, but the fact that I've been soliatry for so long, coupled w/ a pretty bad case of claustrophobia, has kept me from doing so.  The meetings at Mama Dragon's have helped pull me out of my shell a bit, but I'm still a pretty closed off individual.  There were several times during the weekend that I had that "outside looking in" feeling, but I know that most of that was because of my walls and I there were times when I know I was giving off the "leave me be" vibe.  Honestly, the fact that I was able to make the tenuous connections w/ the few people I did amazed me.  Thanks to dyinginwinter , nair_al_saif_ , lunarastar22, and of course  draconisferret (and Jay) for keeping me from hiding the whole weekend.  There were others (like Mama Dragon, herself), of course, but if they have LJ's, I don't know them.  So here's a general thank you to those people. 

( long post about the weekend )