air_n_darkness: (Default)
So, it's been a month since our split. I was honest when I said I wanted this to be a break from dating so that we could work on our other issues. We were, in the first couple of weeks still talking a little. Nothing major. But friendly.

Since the overgrown garden gnome got kicked from the LARP, though, I am apparently well and truly the Devil. We were supposed to still be friends, regardless of if we started dating again or not. I am still friends with his wife, and we chat periodically. However, it seems that despite I am sure having the entire FOUR HOUR conversation she and the ST had shared with him- I am to blame for her getting kicked. He is certainly giving other people that impression. However, I recused myself from any discussion about her future in the game, as did the other narrator who had personal issues with her. The other four made their decision, based on her actions at the July game, and her steadfast refusal to take any constructive assistance, with no input from me. In fact, part of that four hour conversation she and the ST had, involved him giving her multiple chances to give him a good reason to give her another chance. Player-fires don't happen lightly in any game, and this one promised to be particularly political.

So, my ex has also quit the game, taking his wife with him, AND decided that they were going to make a competing LARP so all the people who can't hand in RO can LARP. We welcome another LARP into the community, esp one that offers a setting that we don't, such as the chance to play Sabbat concepts. Personally, I'd love to play a Sabbat concept I've had in my head for awhile, now. So, I asked about the detail. Or tried to. This man, who likes nothing more than to talk for hours about his games, refused me any thing but the barest details. I have opened my door to try and allow him to reach in several times, since. Beyond that, he also stopped talking to one of my dearest friends, who has done so much for him- I guess just because of me.

I am reaching the point of indifference.

And that scares me.

It isn't that I don't still love him. I really do. All these little micro-aggressions, they build up, cut upon cut upon cut, scar upon scar upon scar. It hurts. Eventually, though, the tolerance builds up, too, and I just. Stop. Caring.

Our relationship meant so much to me. I don't want it to end in indifference.

But, as usual, what I want doesn't matter.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Something I do- that I recognize as a failing, mind- is that when I am truly, deeply upset, when I hurt in my heart, I stop talking to, well, anyone. If something or someone manages to hurt me at that deep a level, I pull back all my connections, leaving only the lightest of steelthreads on the people in my sphere. The walls go back up. They can't back up strong and hard like they used to be, because I well ad truly shattered them years ago. They go back up as steelglass, transparent; I can see people, but can't really touch them. More importantly, they can't touch me.

I have spent so much of my life being told that my feelings aren't valid. That it is my job to suffer with my hurt for the betterment of others. It makes it so that, even when I know that I have a legitimate reason to be upset, that I just swallow it down. When it is made clear to me that I have the choice of accepting something that hurts, or loosing something that matters so very much, what else can I do? Especially when everyone seems to think I have no right to feel the way I do. Even the people who acknowledge that things have not been handled properly, don't seem to think I have a right to hurt.

I hurt. I hurt so much right now. I don't think I can do this. I feel like I'm swallowing glass. Right now, I just want to walk away from everyone, and everything.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
So, I turn forty on Friday...

Some thoughts...
air_n_darkness: (my weakness)
In which I give voice most eloquent to why I hate the incessant Mother's Day push.
air_n_darkness: (unfortunate soul)
This is National Eating Disorders Week, a time to raise awareness about the damage done by eating disorders, what causes them- and how prevalent they are, especially in children. Despite the cyclic attention such disorders as anorexia and bulimia have received over the years, there is never enough emphasis put on what drives children to adopt such attitudes. There seems to be this idea (and I base this on conversation and observation, not actual studies) that eating disorders are the weakness of teen girls and models, and attempt to correct poor self-esteem or achieve an industry standard through body manipulation. While not untrue, perhaps, this is merely the start of such attitudes, and eating disorders are certainly not the exclusive purview of those groups, nor limited to only those two diagnoses. More commonly, eating disorders fall somewhere in the middle.

40-60% of elementary girls (age 6-12) are concerned with becoming too fat )
air_n_darkness: (magical)
An old friend and I were catching up today, and he asked me today what my thoughts were on death, what I thought happened to us when we die, etc. He mentioned that, while he was agnostic/borderline atheist, he wasn't too keen on the idea of there just being... nothing at the end of our personal journey. He knows that I am a witch of sorts, though I've never really gone into too much detail of it all with him, I don't think. Since we were talking via IM, I gave a quick and dirty abridged version before I had to get back to my chores, but, as the day ran on, I've felt I needed to... expand upon it. Be more specific, maybe? Regardless, it seems the thing to do.

Because I'd Really Like to Hear Them )
air_n_darkness: (fangirl)
One of the things I've given up over the past eight years or so is my involvement in the gaming industry, both as a participant and industry worker. Oh, I've dabbled around with some games here and there, but overall, I've not done much. In the past two years or so, I've really been missing the conventions, the people, the play. I've missed the ebb and flow of the industry. It was something I truly loved participating in, but there were quite a few strings and memories- good and bad- attached to it, so I've not been too serious about trying to get involved again, really. Last year, I considered going to GenCon, but couldn't afford it on my own, and no one seemed interested in really trying. It was a half-hearted attempt at best.

This year, my friends Julie and Travis invited me to attend with them and their family. All I had to worry about paying for was my entry, food, and spending money. Honestly, with the way my year has been on a financial level, it wasn't the best decision, but I chose to go anyway. I needed the break on pretty much every level. Plus, I've never gone to GenCon as an attendee. I have always worked the event, pulling long days taking tickets for TCG events. I usually would get a couple hours off to hit the dealer's hall on Sunday, and would do dinner and drinks with the team members, but never really just enjoyed the event. So getting to take four days to just play was a novel concept to me.

Of course, me being me, I couldn't do that. An RPG that I've gotten rather interested in over the last year, thanks to [ profile] tek2way, called Shadows of Esteren (SoE) put out a call for booth volunteers for the weekend. I offered up my Thursday and Sunday, which they eagerly accepted. I had already purchased my ticket, so that helped them out, and was told I'd receive a small gift for assisting. Nice, but I wasn't expecting much, given they are small press and all. I volunteered because I wanted to do so. I am more comfortable at large, crowded events when I have a "homebase," a role to play, and I am a salesperson at heart. Volunteering helped me out as much as it helped them.

Aside the first: One of the main reasons I was willing to help out, is that SoE is a French import, and I would get the chance to work with the developers of the game. SoE is a low-fantasy, medieval, gothic horror setting- think Game of Thrones meets Ravenloft, and I was eager to talk with them. I wanted the chance to pick the brains of the people who created such a rich setting, and to give back to them a bit. SoE is the first RPG I've gotten truly excited about since Deliria. The SoE books have won numerous awards for game design, art, and development, and just getting to chat with the guys at my leisure was going to be a treat.
Once more, into the fray )
air_n_darkness: (spider)
Originally posted by [ profile] valarltd at Still in the 1960s
Originally posted by [ profile] grail76 at Still in the 1960s
From J. Michael Straczynski:

If I might be permitted an observation.

You, reading this on your monitor, or your smart phone or your tablet, you who have the latest IOS or Windows or Linux, you who track the latest apps and sites and watch with rapt attention as the Higgs Particle surrenders its, who believes you are living in the twenty-first century.

You are wrong. We are not living in the twenty-first century.

We are living in the 1960s. We’ve been living there for the last fifty years. I don’t care what the calendar tells you, you’re wrong.

How do I know this?

Because right now, at this very second, we’re having the very same arguments, over the very same things, that we argued about in the 1960s, and the 70s, and the 80s, and the 90s, and the Oughts. And nothing’s been done, nothing’s been decided.

It’s just the same old arguments, over and over, for FIFTY YEARS.

We’re still arguing about equal pay for women.

Still arguing about environmental issues versus corporate laissez faire.

About whether or not some sexual practices should be allowed.

About excessive government secrecy and spying.

About voting rights and citizenship for minorities.

About bomb blasts and body counts.

About casual cruelty masquerading as policy.

Arguing about the rights of gays.

About a trigger-happy military.

About who is the latest suspected socialist.

About the media as source of all social ills.

About the war on drugs.

About health care.

About social security.

About birth control.

About evolution.

About nuclear power.

About abortion.

About guns.

And I’m tired of it.

I’m not saying these discussions aren’t important. Obviously they are.

But can we get on with it? Can we actually decide some of the things on the list given above and move on to NEW questions?

Can we move out of the 1960s?

Can we have some new arguments?

I would love to see new arguments.

I would love to see Congress wrestling with whether or not to declare our Mars colony the 51st state.

Would love to see filibusters and debates over whether someone who has received 51% of his body mass from artificial sources still constitutes a human being.

Arguments over whether the new mega-high-speed rail that puts the ones in Japan and China to shame should go from LA to New York or Miami.

About voting rights for synthetic people.

About the FDA’s analysis of mindbridge implants that let two people stay mentally joined forever.

About new safety standards for air-cars.

About deployment of the 45th Robotic Division past their warranties.

Those would be wonderful arguments to have. New, fresh, inspiring arguments.

We’ve been arguing about the same things, over and over, for fifty years. The same drumbeat, the same talking points, the same positions and policies and nothing ever gets done because it’s in no one’s INTERESTS to get anything DONE, because for as long as those same arguments continue, those with a visceral stake in the outcome of those arguments will continue to come out to the polls to vote in those whose viscera says the same thing about the same issues.

And so we roll on, decade after slow decade, with neither side resolving anything even when they run the table, with influence over all three branches of government.

Fifty years. Arguing over the same things for fifty years is like eating the same meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner for five decades. Soon the taste buds diminish and fail and you don’t even realize what you’re eating anymore.

If you’d said to me as a kid in the 1960s that we’d still be arguing over these things in 2013 I’d have laughed in your face. Impossible. We’ll resolve at least some of these things by then. Has to happen. Got to. The alternative is ludicrous.

Do the person who has read this far without going off to tweet or instagram or download, you the person who actually believes you are living in the twenty-first century...want to be having these same arguments fifty years from now? Do you want to still be living in the 1960s in 2063?

Do you want a hundred years of arguing without resolution?

Do you think we can do better?

We have to do better. This can’t be it. This can’t be the end of the American experiment, sucked down into a century of social quicksand.

We have to be better than that.

We have to be.

New arguments.

New arguments.

God of microscope and test tube, god of provender and starlight, stern god who maketh quantum quandaries as much as the architecture of butterfly wings, let us have some new arguments.

I realize it is much to ask.

But it is long past time to ask.

Angel says: We've been arguing about these things ALL my life. Longer than I've been alive and I have two children of legal majority. I want us to grow up.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
I detest silence.

Not the silence of the outdoors, mind. Nature has a music all its own, a different movement unique to a time and place. It is not Silence, void of warmth and heat. No, what I can't stand is the absence of background, of music, of melody and rhythm.

Admittedly, we are never in true silence; there is always something, but often that something is noise, a discordant cacophony of random input, not even white noise. It is why if I shop at Target, I shop quickly and with purpose, for example. They don't play music, so there is no underlying melody to drown out or unite the assorted mishmash of sounds from shoppers and cashiers. It unsettles me.

I have had music in my life from an early age. The first song I clearly remember singing along with? Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys. I was six, and we had it on reel-to-reel. It seemed there was always music playing in the house, usually the radio, or a favorite artist of my mother's. We had vinyl, 8-tracks, cassettes, the aforementioned reel-to-reel, and later CDs, of course. But there was always something. Music played as I got ready for school, while my mother made dinner, whenever the TV wasn't on.

I started playing piano in fifth grade, a truly random decision made on a whim. I enjoyed it, but dropped it for band the next year; we could only afford one or the other if I wanted to continue art classes, and many of my friends were in band. Plus, band replaced the dreaded PE, where I was always the subject of ridicule. My familiarity with the piano prompted the director to place me on xylophone. I wanted to play drums, but 1) there were already too many drummers in beginner band, and 2) my mother was highly opposed to the idea. This didn't stop me from learning, however, and I was often called out for having better rhythm than the boys drumming. I loved percussion, and stayed with band through high school, though I was never a "proper" drummer. I remained a bells and xylophone player to the end, though I became very adept at juggling a lot of secondary instruments, especially in orchestral band. In middle school, I fell in love with metal, largely because of the driving percussion and how it was juxtaposed with melody and lyric. From there, industrial and darkwave captivated me as well, for a similar reason; the relentless backbeat of the percussive line, regardless of how it was produced, could send me into myself in a way that meditation could not.

Now to what prompted the post

I've not ever been without music, and there are very few genres in which I can't claim to like at least a song or two. But I somehow... lost it. Oh, there have been artists that grabbed me, music that caught my attention for a short while, but I enjoyed it and moved on. I seldom allowed myself the true bliss of sinking into the music anymore, lost the desire to search out the new. It became nothing more than background noise, silence that wasn't silence, a little death of spirit so subtle I didn't even realize it.

I've been rediscovering music again over the past year and a half, thanks to a couple of dear friends. Specifically, I've rediscovered metal, fallen in love again with the genre and fascinated by it's evolution since the days of my youth. Some bands I've was loosely familiar with before (Nightwish, Leaves's Eyes) but others were unknown, now welcome additions to my music library. One album in particular demanded my attention, speaking to me deeply: Kamelot's latest Silverthorn. (Mind, I like their older music as well, especially Ghost Opera. But Silverthorn clinched it, and that likely has to do with their new singer as much as anything.) It has roughly 300 plays on my iTunes, as I often leave it on loop while I sleep. It captured me enough that once I was shown a video of the group performing live, I decided I really wanted to see them in concert.

I've always talked myself out of going to concerts, no matter how much I want to see a group. The last "big" concert I attended was Rush, on their Counterparts tour; that album was also one of the last albums to grab me as strongly as Silverthorn has. The crowds trigger my social anxiety issues badly, and I usually require a seat. Just the idea of standing room was enough to send me into panic. But I greatly enjoy live music, and missed the experience. This time, I had someone to go to this concert with, someone who intimately understands my issues with crowds (which meant he could hopefully talk me down if I freaked out), and was also a big fan of the group. I was determined that I would not miss this event, that I would make it through to the end of the concert without bolting- even if it was standing room only.

I expected to enjoy it, to have an amazing time. I didn't expect a bit of spiritual epiphany.

It hit me during the drummer's solo spotlight. We were only a few rows back from the stage. The acoustics of the space caused the music to surround me, and the wooden floor vibrated to the beat, sending it through my body. Combined it made me feel as if I truly was one with the drums, with the music, and the feeling continued through the rest of the show. I can't remember the last time I truly let go and felt music, not like that, let my guard down and just rode the pulse of it.

I hadn't realized how much I missed experiencing music like that- or how much I needed to do so. I'm already planning more such concerts.

There were people at the concert who spent the whole time with their phones in the air, trying to record it. I feel sorry for them. Sure, they have a nice little personal record of the event; however, how much of their experience did they sacrifice to get that record? How much more could they have felt, how much more memory would they have made if they had put the phone down and just listened, banged their head, clapped their hands, screamed themselves hoarse (as I did) when prompted?

Music isn't background noise to me. Music is vital. I need it in my life as much as I need air. How did I forget it's importance? Thank you so much, my friends, for helping me remember this.


Aug. 7th, 2013 02:22 pm
air_n_darkness: (Default)

Not cool universe. Not cool at all.

air_n_darkness: (Default)
Originally posted by [ profile] valarltd at Reproductive Rights
Originally posted by [ profile] mountain_hiker at Reproductive Rights
A star-studded cast wants you to sign!


The Bill of Reproductive Rights is an effort by the Center for Reproductive Rights to deliver a thundering statement—backed by hundreds of thousands of signatures from concerned citizens like you—to the U.S. Congress and the President that they must guarantee and protect reproductive rights as fundamental human rights and stop the attacks by politicians who want to take those rights away.

Draw the line! Sign the Bill of Reproductive Rights!

air_n_darkness: (magical)
A friend has posed multiple questions to me of late that essentially amount to the same question, that being "How do I (we, you) know the gods and/or magic is real and I'm (we're, you're) not crazy? It is a hard question to answer, for such a question is distinctly personal and the answer is specific to each person. More accurately, how a person comes to his/her answer is often such a difficult and fretful journey that for one person to attempt to measure his/her own reasonings against another's is true folly. My answers to my friend's entreaties have, I am afraid, therefore been rather lacking in specifics or details, which know is frustrating, and not just for the querent. I am a creature of facts and proofs, one who bases her magic in science, not in faith, so to be unable to point to a formula to satisfy the question is more than a little troublesome.

I find it especially troublesome because so many people tend to chalk belief in magic, in god and/or goddess to that nebulous concept called Faith. I don't believe in Faith. I do not have Faith in gods, or magic, or deity/Deity. Rather I Know that god/desses exists, and I Know that magic exists for I have had their existences proven to my physical senses as much as to any other. I am, before all things, a critically thinking human being, a seeker, a questioner, and while I do not discount a person's Faith, I find the concept of blind faith and acceptance in anyone or anything to be abhorrent, an insult to the very breath of life from which we are formed. Once one stops questioning, stops challenging, one stops growing, and that is such a terrible, cruel loss to the Whole, a loss of Potential, and a loss of Life.

Let me return, however, to the question of real vs. imaginary, and not digress upon a discussion soley of my personal path. This question continues to press at me and demand of me a better answer than I have been able to give in either written or verbal form. I am unsure if I can ever fully satisfy the question for another, but herein are my attempts.

I make neither promises nor apologies )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
1) PT went well
2) Grimm is pretty firking awesome
3) Newsroom season finale was great. Not surprised it was renewed.
4) Started a new trio of candles in the house
5) Tag renewal done relatively painlessly

No combo post. I didn't do much today, and I go back to work tomorrow.
air_n_darkness: (maleficent- witch please)
e·vil [ee-vuhl]
morally wrong or bad; immoral; wicked: evil deeds; an evil life.
harmful; injurious: evil laws.
characterized or accompanied by misfortune or suffering; unfortunate; disastrous: to be fallen on evil days.
due to actual or imputed bad conduct or character: an evil reputation.
marked by anger, irritability, irascibility, etc.: He is known for his evil disposition.

A friend jokingly commented on her wall that she'd been called evil, with the addition of like if you agree comment if you don't. People being how they are were both liking and commenting, but that is neither here nor there. It was all very tongue-in-cheek, very much a tee-hee sort of situation. One commenter, however, made the assertion that said friend could not be evil, because said friend is pagan, and pagans aren't evil people. Perhaps there is a subtle sarcasm in the person's wording that I am missing, but that doesn't change my immediate reaction.

That reaction? You have answered most incorrectly. You do not get to pass Go, nor collect $200.

(No I didn't post that. I'm not going to stir stuff up on a friend's page)

That was my visceral reaction though, very much a feeling of if this is what that person believes, than they are Doing It Wrong. That's like saying that Christians aren't evil, or Jews, or Buddhists, or any other sect, as if taking up the label means one is somehow immune to the temptations and tempers that can make one evil in another's eyes. That's the kicker. The concepts of "evil" and "good" are very relative concepts determined by the morality of an area's majority than by the one's personal ethics and morality.

When one examines themselves against the moral majority, even a "bad" person in society's view might not consider themselves such. For example, the husband who works long hours at a well-paying job to give his family a good living, who is always the first person to volunteer for community activities, sings in the church choir, etc considers himself a good person. If he wants recreation time with his wife, he is owed it regardless of her desires at the moment and is not above using a little force as encouragement. She is his wife and therefore his. Does he not take care excellent care of her and the kids? Never mind that what he does amounts to marital rape, he does not see it as such, and quite possibly, neither does she, depending on how she was raised.

Is that hypothetical man evil? By dictionary definition he is. He is doing something harmful to his wife, in a manner marked by anger and irritability. But at the same time he is not evil, again by the very first definition. By the standards of his raising and morality, he is neither wicked nor immoral, and he does not lead an evil life.

So how is it that by declaring oneself pagan one is suddenly exempt from the possibility of being evil? The answer is one is not. Ask some Christians and they will say that the very choosing of that label marks one as evil, regardless of how "good" a person is otherwise. There are countless examples of pagans who revealed their religion to friends and family who were instantly shunned. Not because the pagan changed his or her behavior, but because she or he changed her label. Suddenly, this person became damned and unfit to socialize with because they chose a religion that disagrees with the majority.

Evil is a relative concept. In our own local pagan community, there are so many petty, base, and deliberately harmful individuals that would test "evil" according to the definitions and it has nothing to do with those individuals' personal paths. I know some kind people who follow a truly dark path and some cruel ones who claim to follow a light one. Do not claim that because one follows a path of nature and magic that one cannot be evil. In Nature and Magic we often find the most glaring examples of True Good and True Evil extent.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Yes, I know I didn't post yesterday. I was tired and very grumpy once I got home. So have a daily double.

1) Game Night
2) I apparently cook good comfort food, especially mashed potatoes.
3) Chatting with Scott
4) Laughing myself silly over exceptional inappropriate topics
5) Maintaining composure
6) Progress
7) Mead sampling
8) Grimm is fan-fucking-tastic and I can't believe I waited this long
9) [ profile] tek2way and his Star Wars ditty
10) Thing leave, and they won't come back


Grocery shopping done
Sorted a lot of things down further, filled 2.5 trash bags and truly emptied four boxes of moderate size.
Sooper Sekrit Projekt Phase 1 started

I have accepted the fact that there is a lot that I will not get done that was on my list. Things happened over the course of the week to change my timetable, and I'm ok with that. Things will get done as they get done.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
1) Visting with Tannen and Tony
2) Stuff left the house, never to return
3) Civil debate is not a lost art
4) New Project Runway
5) Silliness from Jon


I did the first chunk sort of the crafting stuff and sent a large amount home with Tannen. I also emptied/consolidated about eight boxes. There will be no sorting tomorrow, as I need to go pat for my car tags, and will be helping a friend w/ a car issue. Then, we have game night. Here's to hopefully surviving another session!
air_n_darkness: (Default)
1) Catching up with friends
2) Steak dinner!
3) Finally getting the computer and the accoutrements for it situated.
4) I gets a Tannen tomorrow! This is becoming a habit!
5) Showing off Pro to folks who appreciate all the work that went into it.


Really, I didn't get anything on the List done, but I took out several bags of trash, sorted through some stuff, and made plans for the next few days. Tomorrow is going to be a very full day, with several stops through the day, but I'll manage. Helping friends is much more important.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Five Happy Things

1) My knee is not as fubar as I feared.
2) Masterchef
3) Playing Jenga
4) Helping a friend
5) The Bacon of Gaming


Not much actually accomplished today. But stuff started. That counts, right?

Ortho appointment
Started shuffling stuff around in the house
Talked to Dad
Planned dinner for Friday's game
air_n_darkness: (Default)
In case you haven't guessed, you get combo posts the whole time I'm on vacation

Five Happy Things

1) The Fame and Misfortune Kickstarter was a huge success! Yay! I gets a Kel commission! The question is, of who? I'm thinking I need a portrait for new little thief girl.
2) Catching up with Tai
3) Car passed inspection
4) Newsroom
5) Freshly laundered bedding

Today's items off the list

Bathroom done, except for cleaning out/organizing the cabinets
Car inspected
Some grocery/household shopping done
Bedding washed
Scheduled time with Tannen
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Five Happy Things

1) Murphy time
2) A magical conversation
3) Promises
4) Being Productive
5) Taking the higher road


Quickly jotting down what I accomplished today off the massive list

Kitchen: everything but the floors
Caught up on DZ (though I'm up again in one spot. That's ok though.)
Started on the patio
Started on the DVR'd items. Knocked off about ten hours worth of stuff.


air_n_darkness: (Default)

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