Brave Enough to Burn

So, it's been a month since our split. I was honest when I said I wanted this to be a break from dating so that we could work on our other issues. We were, in the first couple of weeks still talking a little. Nothing major. But friendly.

Since the overgrown garden gnome got kicked from the LARP, though, I am apparently well and truly the Devil. We were supposed to still be friends, regardless of if we started dating again or not. I am still friends with his wife, and we chat periodically. However, it seems that despite I am sure having the entire FOUR HOUR conversation she and the ST had shared with him- I am to blame for her getting kicked. He is certainly giving other people that impression. However, I recused myself from any discussion about her future in the game, as did the other narrator who had personal issues with her. The other four made their decision, based on her actions at the July game, and her steadfast refusal to take any constructive assistance, with no input from me. In fact, part of that four hour conversation she and the ST had, involved him giving her multiple chances to give him a good reason to give her another chance. Player-fires don't happen lightly in any game, and this one promised to be particularly political.

So, my ex has also quit the game, taking his wife with him, AND decided that they were going to make a competing LARP so all the people who can't hand in RO can LARP. We welcome another LARP into the community, esp one that offers a setting that we don't, such as the chance to play Sabbat concepts. Personally, I'd love to play a Sabbat concept I've had in my head for awhile, now. So, I asked about the detail. Or tried to. This man, who likes nothing more than to talk for hours about his games, refused me any thing but the barest details. I have opened my door to try and allow him to reach in several times, since. Beyond that, he also stopped talking to one of my dearest friends, who has done so much for him- I guess just because of me.

I am reaching the point of indifference.

And that scares me.

It isn't that I don't still love him. I really do. All these little micro-aggressions, they build up, cut upon cut upon cut, scar upon scar upon scar. It hurts. Eventually, though, the tolerance builds up, too, and I just. Stop. Caring.

Our relationship meant so much to me. I don't want it to end in indifference.

But, as usual, what I want doesn't matter.

So, I turn forty on Friday...

Some thoughts...

This is National Eating Disorders Week, a time to raise awareness about the damage done by eating disorders, what causes them- and how prevalent they are, especially in children. Despite the cyclic attention such disorders as anorexia and bulimia have received over the years, there is never enough emphasis put on what drives children to adopt such attitudes. There seems to be this idea (and I base this on conversation and observation, not actual studies) that eating disorders are the weakness of teen girls and models, and attempt to correct poor self-esteem or achieve an industry standard through body manipulation. While not untrue, perhaps, this is merely the start of such attitudes, and eating disorders are certainly not the exclusive purview of those groups, nor limited to only those two diagnoses. More commonly, eating disorders fall somewhere in the middle.

( 40-60% of elementary girls (age 6-12) are concerned with becoming too fat )

One of the things I've given up over the past eight years or so is my involvement in the gaming industry, both as a participant and industry worker. Oh, I've dabbled around with some games here and there, but overall, I've not done much. In the past two years or so, I've really been missing the conventions, the people, the play. I've missed the ebb and flow of the industry. It was something I truly loved participating in, but there were quite a few strings and memories- good and bad- attached to it, so I've not been too serious about trying to get involved again, really. Last year, I considered going to GenCon, but couldn't afford it on my own, and no one seemed interested in really trying. It was a half-hearted attempt at best.

This year, my friends Julie and Travis invited me to attend with them and their family. All I had to worry about paying for was my entry, food, and spending money. Honestly, with the way my year has been on a financial level, it wasn't the best decision, but I chose to go anyway. I needed the break on pretty much every level. Plus, I've never gone to GenCon as an attendee. I have always worked the event, pulling long days taking tickets for TCG events. I usually would get a couple hours off to hit the dealer's hall on Sunday, and would do dinner and drinks with the team members, but never really just enjoyed the event. So getting to take four days to just play was a novel concept to me.

Of course, me being me, I couldn't do that. An RPG that I've gotten rather interested in over the last year, thanks to tek2way, called Shadows of Esteren (SoE) put out a call for booth volunteers for the weekend. I offered up my Thursday and Sunday, which they eagerly accepted. I had already purchased my ticket, so that helped them out, and was told I'd receive a small gift for assisting. Nice, but I wasn't expecting much, given they are small press and all. I volunteered because I wanted to do so. I am more comfortable at large, crowded events when I have a "homebase," a role to play, and I am a salesperson at heart. Volunteering helped me out as much as it helped them.

Aside the first: One of the main reasons I was willing to help out, is that SoE is a French import, and I would get the chance to work with the developers of the game. SoE is a low-fantasy, medieval, gothic horror setting- think Game of Thrones meets Ravenloft, and I was eager to talk with them. I wanted the chance to pick the brains of the people who created such a rich setting, and to give back to them a bit. SoE is the first RPG I've gotten truly excited about since Deliria. The SoE books have won numerous awards for game design, art, and development, and just getting to chat with the guys at my leisure was going to be a treat.
( Once more, into the fray )

I detest silence.

Not the silence of the outdoors, mind. Nature has a music all its own, a different movement unique to a time and place. It is not Silence, void of warmth and heat. No, what I can't stand is the absence of background, of music, of melody and rhythm.

Admittedly, we are never in true silence; there is always something, but often that something is noise, a discordant cacophony of random input, not even white noise. It is why if I shop at Target, I shop quickly and with purpose, for example. They don't play music, so there is no underlying melody to drown out or unite the assorted mishmash of sounds from shoppers and cashiers. It unsettles me.

I have had music in my life from an early age. The first song I clearly remember singing along with? Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys. I was six, and we had it on reel-to-reel. It seemed there was always music playing in the house, usually the radio, or a favorite artist of my mother's. We had vinyl, 8-tracks, cassettes, the aforementioned reel-to-reel, and later CDs, of course. But there was always something. Music played as I got ready for school, while my mother made dinner, whenever the TV wasn't on.

I started playing piano in fifth grade, a truly random decision made on a whim. I enjoyed it, but dropped it for band the next year; we could only afford one or the other if I wanted to continue art classes, and many of my friends were in band. Plus, band replaced the dreaded PE, where I was always the subject of ridicule. My familiarity with the piano prompted the director to place me on xylophone. I wanted to play drums, but 1) there were already too many drummers in beginner band, and 2) my mother was highly opposed to the idea. This didn't stop me from learning, however, and I was often called out for having better rhythm than the boys drumming. I loved percussion, and stayed with band through high school, though I was never a "proper" drummer. I remained a bells and xylophone player to the end, though I became very adept at juggling a lot of secondary instruments, especially in orchestral band. In middle school, I fell in love with metal, largely because of the driving percussion and how it was juxtaposed with melody and lyric. From there, industrial and darkwave captivated me as well, for a similar reason; the relentless backbeat of the percussive line, regardless of how it was produced, could send me into myself in a way that meditation could not.

Now to what prompted the post

I've not ever been without music, and there are very few genres in which I can't claim to like at least a song or two. But I somehow... lost it. Oh, there have been artists that grabbed me, music that caught my attention for a short while, but I enjoyed it and moved on. I seldom allowed myself the true bliss of sinking into the music anymore, lost the desire to search out the new. It became nothing more than background noise, silence that wasn't silence, a little death of spirit so subtle I didn't even realize it.

I've been rediscovering music again over the past year and a half, thanks to a couple of dear friends. Specifically, I've rediscovered metal, fallen in love again with the genre and fascinated by it's evolution since the days of my youth. Some bands I've was loosely familiar with before (Nightwish, Leaves's Eyes) but others were unknown, now welcome additions to my music library. One album in particular demanded my attention, speaking to me deeply: Kamelot's latest Silverthorn. (Mind, I like their older music as well, especially Ghost Opera. But Silverthorn clinched it, and that likely has to do with their new singer as much as anything.) It has roughly 300 plays on my iTunes, as I often leave it on loop while I sleep. It captured me enough that once I was shown a video of the group performing live, I decided I really wanted to see them in concert.

I've always talked myself out of going to concerts, no matter how much I want to see a group. The last "big" concert I attended was Rush, on their Counterparts tour; that album was also one of the last albums to grab me as strongly as Silverthorn has. The crowds trigger my social anxiety issues badly, and I usually require a seat. Just the idea of standing room was enough to send me into panic. But I greatly enjoy live music, and missed the experience. This time, I had someone to go to this concert with, someone who intimately understands my issues with crowds (which meant he could hopefully talk me down if I freaked out), and was also a big fan of the group. I was determined that I would not miss this event, that I would make it through to the end of the concert without bolting- even if it was standing room only.

I expected to enjoy it, to have an amazing time. I didn't expect a bit of spiritual epiphany.

It hit me during the drummer's solo spotlight. We were only a few rows back from the stage. The acoustics of the space caused the music to surround me, and the wooden floor vibrated to the beat, sending it through my body. Combined it made me feel as if I truly was one with the drums, with the music, and the feeling continued through the rest of the show. I can't remember the last time I truly let go and felt music, not like that, let my guard down and just rode the pulse of it.

I hadn't realized how much I missed experiencing music like that- or how much I needed to do so. I'm already planning more such concerts.

There were people at the concert who spent the whole time with their phones in the air, trying to record it. I feel sorry for them. Sure, they have a nice little personal record of the event; however, how much of their experience did they sacrifice to get that record? How much more could they have felt, how much more memory would they have made if they had put the phone down and just listened, banged their head, clapped their hands, screamed themselves hoarse (as I did) when prompted?

Music isn't background noise to me. Music is vital. I need it in my life as much as I need air. How did I forget it's importance? Thank you so much, my friends, for helping me remember this.

Originally posted by valarltd at Reproductive Rights

1) PT went well
2) Grimm is pretty firking awesome
3) Newsroom season finale was great. Not surprised it was renewed.
4) Started a new trio of candles in the house
5) Tag renewal done relatively painlessly

No combo post. I didn't do much today, and I go back to work tomorrow.

Yes, I know I didn't post yesterday. I was tired and very grumpy once I got home. So have a daily double.

1) Game Night
2) I apparently cook good comfort food, especially mashed potatoes.
3) Chatting with Scott
4) Laughing myself silly over exceptional inappropriate topics
5) Maintaining composure
6) Progress
7) Mead sampling
8) Grimm is fan-fucking-tastic and I can't believe I waited this long
9) tek2way and his Star Wars ditty
10) Thing leave, and they won't come back

**********

Grocery shopping done
Sorted a lot of things down further, filled 2.5 trash bags and truly emptied four boxes of moderate size.
Sooper Sekrit Projekt Phase 1 started

I have accepted the fact that there is a lot that I will not get done that was on my list. Things happened over the course of the week to change my timetable, and I'm ok with that. Things will get done as they get done.

1) Catching up with friends
2) Steak dinner!
3) Finally getting the computer and the accoutrements for it situated.
4) I gets a Tannen tomorrow! This is becoming a habit!
5) Showing off Pro to folks who appreciate all the work that went into it.

******

Really, I didn't get anything on the List done, but I took out several bags of trash, sorted through some stuff, and made plans for the next few days. Tomorrow is going to be a very full day, with several stops through the day, but I'll manage. Helping friends is much more important.

In case you haven't guessed, you get combo posts the whole time I'm on vacation

Five Happy Things

1) The Fame and Misfortune Kickstarter was a huge success! Yay! I gets a Kel commission! The question is, of who? I'm thinking I need a portrait for new little thief girl.
2) Catching up with Tai
3) Car passed inspection
4) Newsroom
5) Freshly laundered bedding

*******
Today's items off the list

Bathroom done, except for cleaning out/organizing the cabinets
Car inspected
Some grocery/household shopping done
Bedding washed
Scheduled time with Tannen