Brave Enough to Burn

Yeah so- it's been a weird few weeks, hence the lack of updates. Been traveling, work schedule has been off, hell, I've been off, and while I haven't been binging off the deep end, I haven't been tracking my food, exercising, or weighing in like I have been.

At any rate, upshot is I'm down one more pound since my last official weigh, and still one more freaking pound away from my fifteen pound goal.

I'm also stressed out to a ridiculous degree, and stress is not conducive to weight loss.

So yeah. update. wheeee

( oh, and have a progress pic of sorts )

Sorry, you're not getting the detailed food list this week. (I'm sure you're horribly disappointed). I'm having some issues exporting the list at the moment.

It's Period Week, which means a slight gain as I greatly indulged my salt cravings this past weekend. Just 1.2lbs, bringing me back to 234.2. No biggie. It'll be gone plus some at the end of this week.

(And OMG it is also Cramps From Hell Week. *whimpers*)

For those who don't know uglygrandmother, who was kind enough to give me a place to live when my life fell apart, has quit smoking. This is a very, very good thing. It does mean that we have all been going through withdrawal all week, so everyone feels like crap. Including the cats. That said, it was a good week for me, overall.

I am discovering that I just can't make myself exercise once I get home from working a day shift. By the time I've driven home, decompressed, cooked and eaten dinner, well- I'm exhausted, and my legs are killing me. My foot problems seem to be coming back. This is bad. What I do instead is try and work some exercise into my work routine. I try not to stand still, always, moving or dancing about a bit, and do some stepping and pushups periodically.

What I'd like to do is find a decent gym I could hit after work to do some weight training. It's been years, so I'd need refreshers on the machines, but I used to love strength training. My issues are still the same though; I hate the idea of being watched while I work out, because my inner self always assumes people are being critical or derisive. Of course, having been told that I had no business taking up the weight machine times since I was just a fat lazy cow is still a memory I need to let go of. It is difficult. Maybe if I had someone to work out with, it'd be a bit easier. Any takers?

Clothes that were tight this time last year are loose. Yay!

I've been cooking more at home too, trying to help Trudy out. I think that's been good for food intake, all around.

2.6lb gain according to the scale this morning, and I'm not too stressed over it. Aside from the fact that I had two big losses in a row, this week has been...uniquely challenging. Plus, I had two days of being "out" and away from my normal routine of eating and exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I have simply not been working up to my burn this week. My knee is really starting to bother me. The weather keeps being erratic, which makes the arthritis spike, and lately, the more I try to do simply things, like squatting or kneeling (not just when exercising- work too.), I can feel and hear it grinding. It's a constant dull ache, right now. I'm out of Aleve, which is probably why I'm noticing the pain more. I need to see about finding a knee brace that will actually fit around my leg. New shoes and supports would probably help, too.

Also for some strange reason, I've felt like I was starving all week. I haven't been, and I can tell my stomach is full. But am feeling constantly hungry, tummy growling and bloated. Obviously, my body is wanting something, missing something, and I can't figure out what that is. It's frustrating. And it's not like I can just sit there and munch on fruit and veg all the time when I'm feeling that way, because I don't have it to munch on, nor can I afford it. I am thinking that some of that weight gain can be attributed to my body just being weird.

Gonna get back into taking my Omega-3's.

That's it for this week. Man, I keep meaning to write up a few things regarding this journey, but I'm just too damn busy lately.



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Quick post, because I'm tired, cranky and all around unhappy with life.

Current weight 240.8, which is a 3.6 gain from last week. Not surprised. Between travel, interruption in food and exercise schedule, and coming up sick this past weekend, I'm just glad it's not five pounds or more

I have had five boxes of girl scout cookies in my room for a week, and haven't opened any of them. The one box of thin mints I gave Trudy, I had one cookie. Since I would normally sit down and eat most of a box in a sitting the day I brought them home, I consider that a NSV.

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I'm back on track, with a 3lb loss from last week, putting me at 237.6lb. That gives me a total of 9.2lbs loss since the beginning of the year. So close to that ten pound goal!

I am starting to get a better idea of how my body reacts to certain foods, as well as how it reacts during those lovely monthly cycles. You recall that I had a gain last week of 1.4lbs? Well, as mentioned I knew I'd be starting my period any day- did in fact start it within hours of that post- so I wasn't going OMG RAWR I GAINED WEIGHT! Had I not shown at least that 1.4lb loss this week, I might have been irked. Losing more than that, on a week when I wasn't exactly focusing on my intake and exercise as normal, is rather a bit of a bonus.

I am not a sweets person. Oh I love me some sugary goodness, to be sure, and a little taste of sweet after a meal is perfect. But the older I get the less of a tolerance I have for things whose only taste is sweet. So I don't tend to crave sweets during my period. What I do crave is salts, fats, and protein.

I don't deny myself foods just because they aren't "healthy" or don't fit my "diet" because I'm not on a diet. I'm just paying attention. Does that mean I'm going to sit down and just eat those types of food indiscriminately? No. But- as was the case with the Wendy's Baconator meal I had on Wednesday- if a craving persists, is specific, and I have not been able to satisfy it through less caloric means, I simply allow as best I can for the indulgence.

I missed two days of exercise: Friday and Saturday. Friday I always open at work. Usually, I workout after, but I had a my doll swap that night, and errands to run. By the time I got home, it was after nine, and I was just too tired. Saturday, I simply overslept, and didn't have time before work. Again, I was home around nine, and I just can't seem to make myself work out that late. It didn't help that I was flat out exhausted from work, either.

It does make me wonder if I'd a) exercised one of those days, or b) changed up the diet a bit if I'd hit that 10lb mark. Oh well. No biggie!

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I am most put out with my body at the moment.

Have I ever mentioned that my body can go into starvation mode if it even thinks I might be trying to shed some of its rainy day fund? Well, it does.

One of the reasons why I've just kinda said screw the weight loss effort for so long is that I have spent so much of my life obsessing over my weight. I do this diet, I lose weight. I plateau, I gain it back. I try that pill, I lose weight, I plateau, I gain it back. Rinse and repeat. No one ever took the time to talk to me about nutrition, oh no. People were too busy criticizing every bite I took, while at the same time complaining that I wasn't cleaning my plate or insisting that I have a piece of cake while I was visiting. My body is really, really confused about how it is supposed to react to food, drink, exercise, and the combination of the three.

Which is why I'm not surprised to see just a .4lb loss this week. Let me rephrase- I am surprised, and yet, I am not. I've felt really good this week (up until Friday, anyway), I've been doing my exercise everyday, and I can feel the difference. My legs and abs felt firmer, and I've had more energy. I expected at least a pound loss, and to not see that, well, it frankly pissed me off. I know why the loss is so little, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm pissed. I'm pissed that a snowball effect of food choices from Friday and Saturday quite probably negated a chunk of what I'd done through the week. Because I had two very high calorie, high fat meals, and my body went "Ooooooo, calories. *store store store*" instead of flushing them.

And yeah, I'm taking the blame for those choices, trust me. I ate the food while very awake and aware.

BUT! I am redeemed, sorta. I'm only doing my measurements every two weeks. So after I weighed in today, I got out the tape measure. I have lost a total of seven inches.

Seven inches!

For the interested, here's how my stats look after three weeks:

Chest Waist Hips Thigh Wrist Ankle Upper Arm

1/3/2010 50" 45" 53" 30" 6" 9" 20"


1/24/2010 49" 44" 52.5" 29" 6" 8.5" 17"


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