air_n_darkness: (Default)
Yeah so- it's been a weird few weeks, hence the lack of updates. Been traveling, work schedule has been off, hell, I've been off, and while I haven't been binging off the deep end, I haven't been tracking my food, exercising, or weighing in like I have been.

At any rate, upshot is I'm down one more pound since my last official weigh, and still one more freaking pound away from my fifteen pound goal.

I'm also stressed out to a ridiculous degree, and stress is not conducive to weight loss.

So yeah. update. wheeee

oh, and have a progress pic of sorts )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
No food list this week, because I've not been good at tracking either my food or exercise this week. I've not felt well on several levels, plus my normal routine was very, very off due to a variety of reasons.

That said, my current weight is now...233.6. That's right. The week was a wash, which I will gladyly take. Given how stressed and hurty I've been, I was fully expecting a gain. Maintaining, even under very poor conditions, is a win for me.

I'm planning to get back into my exercise routine tomorrow. I biked last Tues and Wed, but other than that did no actual "exercise" for the week. I just hurt too much, and the idea of doing thirty minutes of anything remotely strenuous made me want to curl up in a ball and whimper. I'm not actually any better this week, but if I let it go too long I'll never get back into it. So I'm going to make myself do something, even if all I can manage is fifteen minutes of that something, in five minute intervals.

And no, I'm not going to injure myself. It isn't that type of pain I'm dealing with. If anything, getting moving might relieve some of the pain. It's just a struggle to do something contrary to my hibernating instincts when everything from the waist down feels like it's caught in a vise.

I really want that two pound loss this week though, want it like burning. I try not to get caught up in the numbers game, I really do. I need to see another real loss soon, though, not just a false loss from a water gain.

On a positive note, I plan to purchase some new jeans this week. My ass is practically swimming in the old ones and I don't think I can put it off any longer.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Sorry, you're not getting the detailed food list this week. (I'm sure you're horribly disappointed). I'm having some issues exporting the list at the moment.

It's Period Week, which means a slight gain as I greatly indulged my salt cravings this past weekend. Just 1.2lbs, bringing me back to 234.2. No biggie. It'll be gone plus some at the end of this week.

(And OMG it is also Cramps From Hell Week. *whimpers*)

For those who don't know [ profile] uglygrandmother, who was kind enough to give me a place to live when my life fell apart, has quit smoking. This is a very, very good thing. It does mean that we have all been going through withdrawal all week, so everyone feels like crap. Including the cats. That said, it was a good week for me, overall.

I am discovering that I just can't make myself exercise once I get home from working a day shift. By the time I've driven home, decompressed, cooked and eaten dinner, well- I'm exhausted, and my legs are killing me. My foot problems seem to be coming back. This is bad. What I do instead is try and work some exercise into my work routine. I try not to stand still, always, moving or dancing about a bit, and do some stepping and pushups periodically.

What I'd like to do is find a decent gym I could hit after work to do some weight training. It's been years, so I'd need refreshers on the machines, but I used to love strength training. My issues are still the same though; I hate the idea of being watched while I work out, because my inner self always assumes people are being critical or derisive. Of course, having been told that I had no business taking up the weight machine times since I was just a fat lazy cow is still a memory I need to let go of. It is difficult. Maybe if I had someone to work out with, it'd be a bit easier. Any takers?

Clothes that were tight this time last year are loose. Yay!

I've been cooking more at home too, trying to help Trudy out. I think that's been good for food intake, all around.
air_n_darkness: (drink tea)
So there is a definite pattern to my gain/loss cycles. Every three weeks, I have a two to four pound gain, and then the next week, am back to what I was two weeks prior, give or take a few tenths of a pound. Which, yes, means that I've "lost" everything I showed as gain last week. Current weight is now 233, which is a 3.2 pound loss. The gain is obviously just water weight. Possibly it is a stress related gain. More likely, it is due to period prep.

Still, being able to identify the pattern and know it's a water weight gain, not an actual weight gain, is most helpful on the psyche. It doesn't mean I can get sloppy, but it does mean I can give myself a mental pass from the negative internal dialogue.

On the subject of wellness (not necessarily of the physical variety), I have decided recently that it's time to start living for me. That may sound silly, and I've mentioned before that I need to "fix myself", but it isn't the same as living for myself. See, I've always defined myself by what I could do for other people, what I could be for other people. Recently, I've had to step back and take a good hard look at the reasons for that. It isn't a very pretty thing to examine.

I have been withdrawn to the extreme in the past few years. I work, I get home, I get on the computer, I chat. I stay home and embrace routine. Routine is safe. Routine is good.

Routine sucks dead donkey balls.

So, I'm now allowing myself a bit of kitty money to go out and do something at least once a week. This decision came about after Emmy dragged me out to Mid-South Con a few weekends ago. Since then, I have had dinner and a movie with a friend I hadn't seen in...close to two years, I think, and I have spent three whole hours basking in the glory of sun and flower at the Botanic Gardens. I even sketched! It was wondrous!

I'm also learning that my own company can be rather good company. About damn time.

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
2.6lb gain according to the scale this morning, and I'm not too stressed over it. Aside from the fact that I had two big losses in a row, this week has been...uniquely challenging. Plus, I had two days of being "out" and away from my normal routine of eating and exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I have simply not been working up to my burn this week. My knee is really starting to bother me. The weather keeps being erratic, which makes the arthritis spike, and lately, the more I try to do simply things, like squatting or kneeling (not just when exercising- work too.), I can feel and hear it grinding. It's a constant dull ache, right now. I'm out of Aleve, which is probably why I'm noticing the pain more. I need to see about finding a knee brace that will actually fit around my leg. New shoes and supports would probably help, too.

Also for some strange reason, I've felt like I was starving all week. I haven't been, and I can tell my stomach is full. But am feeling constantly hungry, tummy growling and bloated. Obviously, my body is wanting something, missing something, and I can't figure out what that is. It's frustrating. And it's not like I can just sit there and munch on fruit and veg all the time when I'm feeling that way, because I don't have it to munch on, nor can I afford it. I am thinking that some of that weight gain can be attributed to my body just being weird.

Gonna get back into taking my Omega-3's.

That's it for this week. Man, I keep meaning to write up a few things regarding this journey, but I'm just too damn busy lately.

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
It's been a rough week for me mentally. I'm very glad that I sat down and planned out my meals for the week before Tuesday, because having that kept me from just making some really bad choices in the heat of the moment.

New weight is 237.4, a 3.4lb loss, which brings me back down almost to where I was when I went down to my Dad's. Considering that I also started my period this week, I'm happy with that. Still quite annoyed at having not broken that ten pound mark, but I should hit it next week plus some.

More random info about my eating habits:

When I list things as Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner, it does not equate to the "normal" times for said. I usually have my first meal between 10a-12p, my second between 2p-4p, and my third between 9p-11p. My body has become condition to working a predominately closing retail schedule, and I usually am not up before 9a unless I'm opening. Eating earlier than two hours after waking makes me feel nauseated, though I can usually manage a piece of fruit after hour one. if I'm working a 4p-close shift, I do get a fifteen minute break and usually have a snack, but it's seldom enough to get me by 'till my normal crash time of midnight.

I am however, eating a meal which approximates to "Breakfast" now, something I haven't been in the habit of doing for literally most of my life. So, that's good.

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Quick post, because I'm tired, cranky and all around unhappy with life.

Current weight 240.8, which is a 3.6 gain from last week. Not surprised. Between travel, interruption in food and exercise schedule, and coming up sick this past weekend, I'm just glad it's not five pounds or more

I have had five boxes of girl scout cookies in my room for a week, and haven't opened any of them. The one box of thin mints I gave Trudy, I had one cookie. Since I would normally sit down and eat most of a box in a sitting the day I brought them home, I consider that a NSV.

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Wheeeee! Rollercoaster!

Seriously though, this was one of those weeks where I knew I'd be lucky to have any loss at all. Too many comfort food choices and too much fast food, coupled with my being very stressed this week, equals a body that holds on to weight like a starving thing.

Despite feeling like a bloated cow all week though, I have a loss of .4lbs. Still not quite to the ten pound mark. Mrf.

And before anyone starts in on me about beating myself up with the cow comment- I'm not. That's how I've honestly felt all week. I've slept like crap, been stressing over work, money, a friend's wedding invitations, my upcoming trip home and my iffy car, and the very bad situation another friend is in. I'm not going to wax poetic about how I still feel all positive and light after the past week; sorry, I quit lying to myself awhile back.

My new weight is 237.2, and I lost an additional 3.25 inches since my last measurements. I like seeing the inches lost even more than I like seeing the weight come off, to be honest.

Next week I expect a gain, or at best to hold even. I'm down in Dothan 'til Wed, which means a diet of good old-fashioned southern cooking- and that means fried foods and lots of starch. I can't ask Ernestine to cook special food just for me, and I don't want to. I like some old school southern cooking, from time to time. This doesn't mean I'm going hog wild and not tracking food; on the contrary, I'm paying closer attention than I usually do to portion size and the like.

>_> There is homemade strawberry shortcake, though. I am so not passing that up.

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
I'm back on track, with a 3lb loss from last week, putting me at 237.6lb. That gives me a total of 9.2lbs loss since the beginning of the year. So close to that ten pound goal!

I am starting to get a better idea of how my body reacts to certain foods, as well as how it reacts during those lovely monthly cycles. You recall that I had a gain last week of 1.4lbs? Well, as mentioned I knew I'd be starting my period any day- did in fact start it within hours of that post- so I wasn't going OMG RAWR I GAINED WEIGHT! Had I not shown at least that 1.4lb loss this week, I might have been irked. Losing more than that, on a week when I wasn't exactly focusing on my intake and exercise as normal, is rather a bit of a bonus.

I am not a sweets person. Oh I love me some sugary goodness, to be sure, and a little taste of sweet after a meal is perfect. But the older I get the less of a tolerance I have for things whose only taste is sweet. So I don't tend to crave sweets during my period. What I do crave is salts, fats, and protein.

I don't deny myself foods just because they aren't "healthy" or don't fit my "diet" because I'm not on a diet. I'm just paying attention. Does that mean I'm going to sit down and just eat those types of food indiscriminately? No. But- as was the case with the Wendy's Baconator meal I had on Wednesday- if a craving persists, is specific, and I have not been able to satisfy it through less caloric means, I simply allow as best I can for the indulgence.

I missed two days of exercise: Friday and Saturday. Friday I always open at work. Usually, I workout after, but I had a my doll swap that night, and errands to run. By the time I got home, it was after nine, and I was just too tired. Saturday, I simply overslept, and didn't have time before work. Again, I was home around nine, and I just can't seem to make myself work out that late. It didn't help that I was flat out exhausted from work, either.

It does make me wonder if I'd a) exercised one of those days, or b) changed up the diet a bit if I'd hit that 10lb mark. Oh well. No biggie!

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (maleficent-don't)
I forgot to weigh in before I ate yesterday morning. I just woke up feeling very off, and never seemed to get into a groove yesterday.

Showing a gain this week of 1.4lbs. I'm not letting it gt me down on the process though. I fully expected little to no loss this week. I just haven't felt right all week. Dealing with a lot of stress from various sources. The body holds onto weight and fluid when stressed, and that coupled with the fact that I should be starting my period in the next few days plus an almost 4lb loss last week...well, yeah. Body is not inclined to shed weight right now.

So, that puts me back in the 240s at 240.6. Lost 3.25 inches since my last date with the tape, though, and that makes me happy. Measurement progression for the interested are:

Chest Waist Hips Thigh Wrist Ankle Upper Arm

50" 45" 53" 30" 6" 9" 20"

49 44 52.5 29 6 8.5 17

49 43 52 28 6 8.25 16.5

My 5lb loss reward was going to be a Lady Gaga CD, however, a friend/customer from work surprised me with copies of both of her albums a week or so ago. Instead, I picked up the TF NEST Bumblebee & Soundwave repaint pack. Honestly, I only bought it for the send away for the special Ravage redeco. >_> I will likely keep Soundwave because he will match Ravage, but Bee is getting rehomed.


The one pair of jeans I have that doesn't contain stretch material is only staying up because of my hips. And that after running through a wash and dry cycle. Tangible results are always good.

Increased the resistance on my bike a notch, so I'm running at level six of eight. Speed has increased without my really meaning to, and I'm running at an average of 15MPH now.

Read more... )
air_n_darkness: (Default)
I am most put out with my body at the moment.

Have I ever mentioned that my body can go into starvation mode if it even thinks I might be trying to shed some of its rainy day fund? Well, it does.

One of the reasons why I've just kinda said screw the weight loss effort for so long is that I have spent so much of my life obsessing over my weight. I do this diet, I lose weight. I plateau, I gain it back. I try that pill, I lose weight, I plateau, I gain it back. Rinse and repeat. No one ever took the time to talk to me about nutrition, oh no. People were too busy criticizing every bite I took, while at the same time complaining that I wasn't cleaning my plate or insisting that I have a piece of cake while I was visiting. My body is really, really confused about how it is supposed to react to food, drink, exercise, and the combination of the three.

Which is why I'm not surprised to see just a .4lb loss this week. Let me rephrase- I am surprised, and yet, I am not. I've felt really good this week (up until Friday, anyway), I've been doing my exercise everyday, and I can feel the difference. My legs and abs felt firmer, and I've had more energy. I expected at least a pound loss, and to not see that, well, it frankly pissed me off. I know why the loss is so little, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm pissed. I'm pissed that a snowball effect of food choices from Friday and Saturday quite probably negated a chunk of what I'd done through the week. Because I had two very high calorie, high fat meals, and my body went "Ooooooo, calories. *store store store*" instead of flushing them.

And yeah, I'm taking the blame for those choices, trust me. I ate the food while very awake and aware.

BUT! I am redeemed, sorta. I'm only doing my measurements every two weeks. So after I weighed in today, I got out the tape measure. I have lost a total of seven inches.

Seven inches!

For the interested, here's how my stats look after three weeks:

Chest Waist Hips Thigh Wrist Ankle Upper Arm

1/3/2010 50" 45" 53" 30" 6" 9" 20"

1/24/2010 49" 44" 52.5" 29" 6" 8.5" 17"

Read more... )


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