I hate being the bad guy.
I do. I really really hate it. It hurts to have to jump up and down and rail like some crazed devil at someone I love dearly just to get through. Just to motivate them past their depression and self-pity and personal hangups. It hurts because I know that I'm making them hurt. The fact that it is for their benefit, that they need to have someone stop coddling them and just letting them go about things however they wish does not help! It does not make the brick wall I am butting my head against any softer. It does not make my heart ache any less.
I've been acting as the Reality Check for too many people over too many years, from my sister forward. It's getting harder and harder to be diplomatic in my delivery. Or perhaps I am realizing that diplomacy is simply not the appropriate choice anymore. I have offered diplomacy and ways to cope, relaxations and options and innumerably other things and they are turned away by the wall of darkness with which people have enveloped themselves.
We create our own reality. If all we believe is doom and gloom and OMFG I can't handle this right now and this can't work and there are so many obstacles then guess what? That's what you're fucking going to get. I know this for fact, not some new age mumbo jumbo feel good shit. I know this because I have been through this. I have seen what happens when we stop being a stowaway wallowing in the baggage car and start forcing and pushing our way up to first class. And guess what? First class feels pretty damn good. The seats are a helluva a lot more comfy, let me tell you.
Because godsdamnit everyone fucking hurts. We cry, we suffer. We have pains in our body, in our hearts, in our minds. We have people we have to take care off, people who need us, people who hinder us. Humanity as a whole is a walking talking sweating pile of pain and anger and we still get are arses up every damn day and go to work or school or family or the nursing home or the doctor. Why? Because no one is going to do that shit for us, or take away our pain. There are options! There are ways to cope. There are people to lean on.
Take for example, my personal health. I am 238lb at 5'5". I am overweight. I have been overweight from day 1. I am genetically pre-disposed to accumulate extra weight. I have degnerative arthritis, in my knees, my lower back, and my neck. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome, and even if I wanted children I could not have them. I have the same chemical imblances and adult onset breathing issues that my mother had. I have allergies the likes of which one finds in legend in song. I have OCD and social anxiety. I am as one blind without my glasses and my eyes are getting worse every year.I have bulging disks in my back and neck, planter faciatus and bone spurs in my feet.
I wake up in pain. I go to sleep in pain. I take no less than five drugs every morning and three to five others every night. I do not have insurance, so I have to save up for doctors visits that I need. I have to budget $300.00 every month for medications. I am a walking, talking mass of hurt.
Every. Damn. Day.
I have had my heart broken. I have lost people I love to death or time. I have judged and been judged. There are times I wake up crying, and times I cry myself to sleep. There are times I say fuck the world and decided that I am going to cocoon for a day. And sometimes, when I am smiling my biggest smiles and chattering happily away, I am really envisioning doing something really, really horrible to the bitch who is letting her child tear up my store.
Every. Damn. Day.
I get up, I take my meds, I go to work. I work my ass off to ensure that I am not an expendable member of staff. I buy better shoes and inserts so that I can make it through an eight hour shift on my feet. I am reading up on nutrition so that I can change my diet in such a way as to help alleviate some pains. (Aside, plants related to the nightshade, such as potatoes and tomatoes, can actual increase ones arthritis symptoms, for example) I may not be practicing the knowledge I am gaining as well as I should, but I am learning. I am working toward goals. I come home, I do more work. I work on my space. I work on ebay. I look at my budget and have to think really hard about buying something frivolous because if I buy it, I have less to but toward X, Y, Z fund. I put all the shit and pain and hurt and emotional distress to one side because i have no other choice and I am the only one who can take care of me and my life!
Every. Damn. Day.
If I have a problem, I get help. I may have to plan/budget/sacrifice to do it, but I get the damn help. I don't have insurance and I don't know what to do. and I was never taught how to handle this type of stuff." are not valid excuses when the bodies hit the floor and the feces hit the oscillating device. You damn well learn what needs doing, and what options you have, and where you can go; you don't sit there and wait for someone to come and bail you out. No matter how much you may want to hide. You have to take care of you, adn those that depend on you.
Every. Damn. Day.
We. Create. Our. Own. Reality. We do it, not some god in the sky or earth or some magic fairy godmother or some devil in a business suit down the way promising quick fixes and new days, just sign your soul on the dotted line. You have one life. One life to live and fight for and cherish and cry over. One single solitary life. And you are the unchallenged captain of that life. People argue with me that if such is the case, why does such shit keeping happening? Simple. Life is not stagnant. It evolves. And one cannot have evolution without challenge or strife or need. But you can choose how you face those challenges, if you break or bend, crash upon the rocks or find a safe passage through.
Your choice. Yours and yours and yours and yours. My choice. Mine to make and mine to accept and mine to lament if it was a poor choice. But by all that every god and goddess holds dear, by breathe and rain and thorn and sun, there is a choice!
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