air_n_darkness: (Default)
So, it's been a month since our split. I was honest when I said I wanted this to be a break from dating so that we could work on our other issues. We were, in the first couple of weeks still talking a little. Nothing major. But friendly.

Since the overgrown garden gnome got kicked from the LARP, though, I am apparently well and truly the Devil. We were supposed to still be friends, regardless of if we started dating again or not. I am still friends with his wife, and we chat periodically. However, it seems that despite I am sure having the entire FOUR HOUR conversation she and the ST had shared with him- I am to blame for her getting kicked. He is certainly giving other people that impression. However, I recused myself from any discussion about her future in the game, as did the other narrator who had personal issues with her. The other four made their decision, based on her actions at the July game, and her steadfast refusal to take any constructive assistance, with no input from me. In fact, part of that four hour conversation she and the ST had, involved him giving her multiple chances to give him a good reason to give her another chance. Player-fires don't happen lightly in any game, and this one promised to be particularly political.

So, my ex has also quit the game, taking his wife with him, AND decided that they were going to make a competing LARP so all the people who can't hand in RO can LARP. We welcome another LARP into the community, esp one that offers a setting that we don't, such as the chance to play Sabbat concepts. Personally, I'd love to play a Sabbat concept I've had in my head for awhile, now. So, I asked about the detail. Or tried to. This man, who likes nothing more than to talk for hours about his games, refused me any thing but the barest details. I have opened my door to try and allow him to reach in several times, since. Beyond that, he also stopped talking to one of my dearest friends, who has done so much for him- I guess just because of me.

I am reaching the point of indifference.

And that scares me.

It isn't that I don't still love him. I really do. All these little micro-aggressions, they build up, cut upon cut upon cut, scar upon scar upon scar. It hurts. Eventually, though, the tolerance builds up, too, and I just. Stop. Caring.

Our relationship meant so much to me. I don't want it to end in indifference.

But, as usual, what I want doesn't matter.
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Something I do- that I recognize as a failing, mind- is that when I am truly, deeply upset, when I hurt in my heart, I stop talking to, well, anyone. If something or someone manages to hurt me at that deep a level, I pull back all my connections, leaving only the lightest of steelthreads on the people in my sphere. The walls go back up. They can't back up strong and hard like they used to be, because I well ad truly shattered them years ago. They go back up as steelglass, transparent; I can see people, but can't really touch them. More importantly, they can't touch me.

I have spent so much of my life being told that my feelings aren't valid. That it is my job to suffer with my hurt for the betterment of others. It makes it so that, even when I know that I have a legitimate reason to be upset, that I just swallow it down. When it is made clear to me that I have the choice of accepting something that hurts, or loosing something that matters so very much, what else can I do? Especially when everyone seems to think I have no right to feel the way I do. Even the people who acknowledge that things have not been handled properly, don't seem to think I have a right to hurt.

I hurt. I hurt so much right now. I don't think I can do this. I feel like I'm swallowing glass. Right now, I just want to walk away from everyone, and everything.

Blarg

Jun. 6th, 2009 09:24 am
air_n_darkness: (Default)
So, you know, back in the day, part of the deal with Minor Meds were that they were for lower income people who couldn't afford a primary card doc, and the prices were done accordingly with payment plan options. Apparently, that is no longer the case

A Minor Med visit would start at $150.00. For that price, I might as well go see my normal doctor when he reopens on Tues. And yeah, the ER is still an option. I just really, really have an issue with going and sitting for hours in an ER, taking up space that an actual trauma patient might need, just to get some damned eye-drops.

I picked up some allergy eye-drops, and they actually seem to be helping. It's entirely possible that this well clear up quickly on it's own. After all, it is a side affect of my allergies/sinus infection. I'll see where things are sitting on Tues. Except for the major amount of goo one eye is secreting, it isn't really bothering me. It just looks> like hell.
air_n_darkness: (reject reality)
Now that the flu symptoms have cleared up, I've been left with just the sinus infection. No big deal; I've had enough of those for them to be a non-issue to me, and yesterday, I was feeling pretty good. One of my eyes was red and a bit itchy, but again, not really a problem.

However, while I was eating the lovely steak dinner I decided to treat myself to, it kept getting more an more itchy and...goopy fpr lack of a better term. By the time I went to bed last night, it was a lovely shade of red, and all the membranes were swollen, giving me that droopy eyelid look. Woke up this morning? Whatever it is is spreading to the other eye.

So I have a case of some form of conjunctivitis, but still have to go into work. I may only work till the 1pm relief comes in, but there really isn't much of an option for me at the moment. I can't [i]not[/i] work, after already mising one of my three scheduled days for the week.

And since it's my eyes, and I don't play around when it comes to my eyes, I have to got to a minor med after work, and hope and pray that they will not charge me an arm and a leg. If it's going to run me more than 100-150 for the visit, I might as well go to the ER, where I'll at least have the option of paying later. But I hate, hate, hate doing that.

At least I'm off on Sunday. This does, however, mean I'll miss yet another of the SG church meetings, because if i don't have to go out and risk spreading it several people, I won't. Which I am supposed to be attending for my Realm one CLEP requirements. At least at work I can actually limit the amount of true contact I have with customers. If I stay on the register, only handling the money, and use hand sanitizer like a mad woman and wipe down the keyboard and such before switching off with someone, it should minimize the risk.

So, these last few days of hell are the price i pay for having been mostly Not Sick for almost a year. I think I preferred my predictable sinus bouts, thank you very much.

At least my birthday itself was a good day.
air_n_darkness: (go to your room!)
I am too much a creature of habit, largely due to my OCD tendencies. Routine equals security to me in a way, and I plan my day around my routine. Therefore, when something happens to disrupt my routine, my plans are also disrupted, and I have a hard time switching gears and adapting immediately. Which is odd, as I am fairly good at thinking on my feet any other time.

My routine and plans for my time before work have been disrupted. I'm annoyed at that, and also annoyed at myself for being annoyed. I had thing laid out on the coffee table to work on before I went in, and he came home sick. Instead of going upstairs and going to bed, like he needs to, he camped the couch. I should not be annoyed, because I do know he's sick, but part of me is freaking that I can't get done what I needed to get done this morning. It would take me half an hour to move everything, and then I still wouldn't be able to get what I needed to do done.

Which means I will get very little sleep tonight, as I will have to make up for the lost time.

Meh.

Okay, enough whining. Need to go see what I can get done this morning.
air_n_darkness: (maleficent-don't)
I could, really, really do without those types of dreams. Please?

Unfortunately, I can't go curl in a ball and cry today. Nor can I attempt to sleep again.

randomness

Sep. 27th, 2008 10:47 pm
air_n_darkness: (Default)
Food diary went on hiatus for the week due to major RL stuff. Will be getting back to that tomorrow.

And I am annoyed that pogo.com requires you to use IE if you want to play most of their newer games. *gnaws*

Grrrrrr

Sep. 5th, 2008 05:17 pm
air_n_darkness: (bitchy)
So I was planning on going to the new Edge for the re-opening. However, I forgot that I work early tomorrow. Which might not stop me except that I also have a sinus headache. Oh, we have been infested with fleas this week. To which I am apparently now highly allergic. I have hives all over the underside of one arm, and on my chest and they itch and are spreading.

I am not happy.

owowow

Sep. 2nd, 2008 09:58 am
air_n_darkness: (reject reality)
Okay. My back can stop this shit now.

It's been hurting since Thursday night, when I was laying in bed and felt the disk or whatever that always slips move out of place. I have only been moving through willpower and pain pills. I can usually work it back into place by now. It's being stubborn.

I do not like having to take my pain medication this much. It makes me loggy, and I can't get anything done.

I have too much to do to spend the day on the couch, damnit!.
air_n_darkness: (dressed)
You know, I sometimes wonder why I go to the effort of trying. It's so goddamn frustrating when you spend a lot of time and effort working on something, only to get little to no reaction for your troubles. I'm not an attention whore; I like praise, of course, but I don't fish for it. At least I try not to fish for it. Sometimes I do I'm sure, when I'm feeling particularly in need of a pick-me-up.

But that's neither here nor there. I'm just irked that what should have grabbed the attentions of several parties didn't, or generated negative attentions instead. Perhaps it says something that it still bothers me now, several hours and a sleep cycle later, bothers me enough that I need to get the feelings out of my head.

And, yes, perhaps my expectations are too high. But then, why should I lower them? I hold myself to such expectations; why not others? It is not unrealistic to expect civil discourse on a subject as opposed to flouncing and self-degradation, immediate assigning or accepting of blame. It is not unrealistic to expect maturity. Unrealistic, perhaps, to expect the same level of maturity from those with less life experience, yes. But allowances can be and are made for that, allowances, not excuses.

I am just quite tired of being punished for my initiative.

/end the Angsty Cyn Interlude. We now return you to your regularly programme.
air_n_darkness: (!@$# humans)
Ya know, I think I'll just stop reading the comments and forums for the webcomics I enjoy. Hear lately, they seem to have devolved into flame wars and ego-stroking.

It's just depressing.
air_n_darkness: (monkey)
It's 12:30am and our air is out.

I am not amused.

I can't sleep when I'm hot...and tomorrow is a long day.
air_n_darkness: (monkey)
So I'm a member of [livejournal.com profile] cat_lovers. I'm not a particularly active poster. Hell, I skim most of the 20 or so entries that are posted there each day. You can only look at kitty pictures for so long, after all. However, it's been a good way to keep up with pet news; e.g. I knew about the Menu Foods recall before it even really hit the news stateside. Which is probably why none of the critters got sick. But I digress.

Someone posted a short post asking for advice on dealing with a cat that turns into a veritable Shred-o'-matic when faced with a carrier and the resulting vet trip.

She mentioned that the cat had become a mostly outdoor cat, about 15 yrs old, and recounted an incident that occurred when the OP was 5 resulting in the cat being declawed. Now keeping an cat outdoors after it's declawed is not my idea of stellar pet care. However, in later comments she did mention that the cat had always been indoor/outdoor and had moved over the years to more outdoor. Still not what I'd do, but fair enough. Not my cat.

OH MY GOD THE DRAMA!

People are screaming at her that she's abusive, shouldn't own an animal, should have her fingertips cut off to see what it's like etc, etc. Now I've been there long enough to know that declawing is a touchy subject; hell, I'm anti-declaw, myself, and will discourage people from it if possible. But what part of my mother had her declawed when I was five do these people not get? Declawing was a much more common practice 15-20, even 10 years ago. The OP didn't make the decision. Yes, she isn't changing the fact that the cat says outside. But since she I gathered she still lives at home, it's probably not her decision anyway!

It's people like that that keep me from supporting a lot of animal rights groups. I am vocal when it comes to caring for animals. As adorable as kittens are, I cringe every time I hear that so-and-so's yard cats are having (yet another) litter. If I could just take said cats to the vet myself and have them spayed without completely offending the not-owner, I would. What I can do is keep an ear out for when the an area clinic is doing low-cost "catch & release" spay/neuters for ferals, and offer to services of a cat carrier.

I'll make my point without sounding like a screeching harpy, throwing blood on people, or getting out the flamethrower thank you very much.

/rant

Edit: I just hoped over to RS and encountered another animal alteration discussion. And OMGWTF it was a civil discussion. Thank you RS.org for reaffirming my faith in civil discourse. I less than three you all.
air_n_darkness: (go to your room!)
I really, really like the Spyro, the Dragon video game franchise. So I did the happy dance when I unwrapped the latest installment Christmas day.

Spyro, a New Beginning is NOT a Spyro game. There are no speedways, no portals, no mini-games. His sidekick Sparks is no longer a playable character, and is also no longer a health indicator. He's just comic relief. And I can't fry helpless little sheep and chickens just for the heck of it anymore!

To make it worse, I beat the game in 8hours 55mins! I usually get a good couple of weeks out of a Spyro game, becaus eof all the mini games and easter eggs hidden in the game. I guess they spent all the budget on getting Elijah Wood, Gary Oldman, and David Spade to do the voice overs, instead of crerating a DECENT GAME!!!! *fumes*

When I ( or my hubby) pay $50 for a BRAND NEW GAME, I expect to get more than a half day out of it!!!
air_n_darkness: (goomi)
So about a year ago, I ordered NECA's in-scale Balrog model. It looked super-sweet in the catalog, and NECA is known for putting out top quality figures. I've wanted a Balrog for years, long before Peter Jackson's movies came out. And it's to scale with the current figure line? Can you say, "bitchin'?" Yes, I believe you can.

balrog scale

And believe me, when he came in this week after several months of delays, I was a happy fangirl. It looked just as good as promised; the detail was perfect. He is 29" tall and 42" wide. I had to attach his wings and tail myself, and that was fairly easy, for the most part. His flame crest lights up and he growls when you press a button on his back...a feature I could have done without, to be honest. It adds weight to an already top-heavy fig (more on that below), and the "ain't it nifty" factor wears off quickly. And it wasn't in the original description. NECA has a bad habit of that; my 29" tall Lord of Darkness came in and had motion-activated voice tracks. I probably wouldn't have ordered him if the talking bit had been in the original solicitation, just because I find such features cheesy, as a whole.

So he's articulated at wrists,elbows, neck and waist. All good. He's also articulated at hips and "knees". Not so good. The only way to balance him is to place most of the weight on his tail...but the tail is roto-cast in two pieces (ie not solid), something I didn't realize when i set him up. So I come home yesterday to find the tail had given way enough so that he could no longer be supported by it. The "knee" joints are so loose, they will not stay in line with the thigh, so his legs splay at an odd angle. He is so Top heavy, that even WITHOUT the wings, it's almost impossible to get him to stand up on a smooth surface. And the only display space I have large enough to keep him on is wood.

Currently, the $100 Balrog figure is resting on my spare bed, wingless and whipless. I am not a happy fangirl at the moment. It doesn't seem to be a defect, per se, just a design flaw. Everyone on the boards seems to be having the same problem, to varying degrees. I think I am going to have to find the "perfect postion" and then glue the leg joints in place. I will be writing to NECA about it; I really think that had they simply made the tail a solid piece so it could help support the figures weight, and left out some of the articulation, it wouldn't have near so many balance issues.

Still, it's impressive and I'm glad I bought it. It is one of the largest, if not THE largest action figures ever made. It just needed a bit more fine-tuning.
air_n_darkness: (sorrow)
I am going to the doctor tomorrow for this drainage crap (yet again). I think I'm going to ask for a rec to see an ENT doctor. Because in the past 2 years, this crap has gotten waaaaaay out of hand. Lynson and I have been together for 7 years now and even he is saying he has NEVER seen me as bad as I am right now.

I got zero sleep last night. I started having coughing fits again around 3pm yesterday. My record last night for lying down was 1 hour from one fit to the next. The fits seem to have finally settled down a tad; so I'm thinking I might be able to get some sleep sitting up in a chair. Laying down is bad-makes things shift.

My body aches from the two days of fits; and I'm fairly certain I pulled some muscles in my chest Tues.

The worst is that I have A LOT of things I need to get done, like packing, but no energy or focus to do them. Plus we have an event this weekend and since Lynson has to judge it he need me to scorekeep.
air_n_darkness: (monkey)
Beeeeeeeeeep


okay....

Shoot Me.

Shoot Me NOW...

or let me shoot my in-laws.....

This has been a message from the Insane Cyn Brodcast Sysytem. Due to bat-shit crazy in-laws, her Personification of Dumb Blonde sister, and First Time Home-buyer stress, ICBS predicts irritability, foaming at the mouth, and bouts of rabid snapping.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program

Beeeeeeeeep
air_n_darkness: (Default)

They won't let Lynson leave.  Never mind that he was scheduled just til 6pm.  They let the one who was SUPPOSED to close go home becuase of the icy roads.  But they won't let HIM leave, because now he's the only head cashier now.  And they won't close early, because, low and behold, they've gotten busy selling de-icer stuff.

That's it......I now fully agree to phase one of The Lynson Robbins Experiment.

 

air_n_darkness: (mythos)

So those of you who know me also know that there's a reason why [livejournal.com profile] the__malkavian and I have cats and not kids.  We like kids, but only when we can give them back to their proper parental units.  I'm just not wired w/ the whole maternal thing.

Well, Lynson's sister and her new hubby dropped the three kids off this weekend (ages 2-7).  They're good kids, but, well, kids.  They're loud, fight w/ each other, and generally an annoyance.  At least they've almost learned that screaming "KITTY!!!!" and running after my cats is a Bad Thing (tm).

But everything's OK'cause I have  

Goomi's Unspeakable Vault of doom )

remember, kiddies, it's fhtagn not fthagn, and never summon anything bigger than you head.

(Thanks again, Frank, for letting me swipe that icon:)

tired....

Sep. 18th, 2004 09:24 am
air_n_darkness: (Default)

I AM NOT USED TO BEING MICRO-MANAGED!!!!!

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